Why is it that you do not want to talk to him about his work? I think it was nice of him to want to communicate and share with you, but it seems that you shut him down?
I was basically his sounding board for his issues at work. He would come home angry and then tell me all he problems he was having, and it wouldn’t matter if I didn’t say anything or if I offered a suggestion, his irritation would turn on me. When I had issues at work and wanted to talk with him, he wouldn’t listen. This issue was brought up in couples counselling, and he was told that he needs to stop bringing the negative feelings from work home, and he needs to stop airing them out to me, especially while he’s telling me work is more important than me. It wasn’t helping our relationship to hear all the negatives about work, and then hear how it’s more of a priority than I am. I know his mindset may have changed with that... but since his work place is already a sore topic for me I would prefer to not hear anything about it. There are some times when I can listen to it... but most times I get anxious listening to him, and it still irritates me that he ever even thought work was more important than his wife.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
He seems to be willing to compromise for you. What are some changes you can make to meet his needs better? He is on the defensive but why? What would his valid complaints about you be?
He definitely feels defensive.. and I think it’s because I can’t wrap my head around everything that has happened. He’s literally absolved himself of any wrongdoing over the last 9 months. So if something comes up that relates to anything during that time, he feels like I’m attacking me and bringing up the past. He doesn’t always remember that he’s the one that hurt me.. and that he needs to own it and work/address things. Not defend his actions.
His biggest issue with me is the “nagging” and bringing up the past. It doesn’t feel like the past for me because I’m still going through it. I still worry everyday. And just because he’s behaving now doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t fear when he won’t be. Especially since he spends more time at work and close to the OW than he does at home or with me. I get it, he has to work and he has to work with her... but he doesn’t understand why that bothers me. As for the nagging, I’m actually really trying not to say anything. I made a schedule of things that need to be done around the house and we rotate each week. However he hasn’t been keeping up his end. It’s all written down so he knows what he needs to do. So I try not to say Anything, but it’s irrtating to watch him know what he has to do at work and do it, but know what he has to do at home and not do it.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this?
I’m in the middle of Al Turtles Boundaries for couples article. Definitely worth the read.
