Finding Solutions, Not Distractions

[25yearsmlc]

This list is important. My T often suggests making one. The Wish list and the Must have list.


In 90% of cases in which someone had an A, I'd end things right there. I'd also end things if they wanted children I cannot provide to them now. I mean, I'd do it politely but that's that.

In case of an A, what would be the 10% reasons I MIGHT still consider dating them?

VERY rare cases and with a ton of remorse and insight, lesson learned and forthrightness about it.

DISCLOSURE - I have to admit that I once almost had an A and b/c of that experience, I can see why a good person who is neglected a lot, over time, and then tempted over time, could cave in.
It was during Desert Storm and I was getting shipped out (I joined & left the Army for XH, but I did not consciously think it related to my feelings of neglect, then). XH's hours were more insane than usual and he was irritable when he came home and then left for 60 days for a rotation. Again...

I managed not to have an A, but only with great effort and support by a wise chaplain. I made changes about trying not to be around certain types of men but hey, it was the military and 85% of the personnel then, were men. Hard to avoid.

I learned a lot from this^^^ experience. My ability to avoid jumping off the cliff into an A was eye opening for me. I always thought it'd be an automatic deal breaker and in most cases, it is. At least for me. But I'd be a hypocrite if I said it was always a deal breaker and if I had not had this experience, I probably would say it's always a deal breaker.

so, in any case that's how I feel about that.

A must have - A guy who can laugh at himself and with me, is vitally important. Humor is always listed as a desirable quality on those sites but I really mean it. I do stand up comedy and it's a big deal to me to feel uninhabited about it.

And As we age, being able to laugh hard and often, is only going to increase in importance.
Imagine being old and NOT being able to laugh with your partner.

Rule Outs - A guy who is judgmental about others, or secretive, or loses his temper, or stores up grievances and brings up events that angered him, from more than a week earlier, NOPE...

A guy who is going to make me work at guessing what's bugging him. No seething resentments, no list of wrongs from yesterday, and of course no deceit. Can't handle a liar or someone who withholds key information b/c THEY are not comfortable (who is comfortable disclosing hard truths?? etc.)


Relationships are hard enough. Who needs guessing games on top of the work we have to do anyhow?


Just my .02