Being Patient

[Helhel]

This is my first post. My H and I have been married for 16 years with 5 children. After we met I fell pg 6 weeks later, it was a real whirlwind and we were married later that year (7months pg). He was in the army and we had to get married to live together (we are in the UK). We were very much in love and happy.

My H had previously been married and his ex W went off with another man and took their children (2 sons) with her. We fought through the courts but she was allowed to move back to her home country and contact was cut - despite our effort. The eldest son (now 26) has now got back in contact with us.

At this time my husband served in Afghanistan and I was at home with a newborn baby and alone. He came home when eldest was 6 months old. It was a wonderful time and I fell pregnant again. We were then posted overseas. We had 7 wonderful years in Germany - we had our ups and downs but life was happy, fun and we had a further 3 children (5 in total)- the last 2 being twins.

In 2010 my H left the army (he had done his time) and we moved back to the UK .we decided we would both work part time and share the child care. This is when I believe we started to drift apart. H found it difficult to get rewarding work and became frustrated, disillusioned and struggled to adapt to civvy life. I felt I was doing more and more and withdrew from him and focused on the children and getting through each day.

10/2017 H started to go out more and make new friends sometimes not coming home. I became frustrated and said that I might as well be a single parent. He opened up and said he was suffereing with PTSD and had (a few months previous) felt suicidal - I hadn’t noticed - I felt terrible - I had been on egg shells for month and I think also having my own crisis feeling unsupported and exhausted. D (14) has had mental health issues with self harm and S (9) has learning issues at school and I was managing this with no support from H - he was unable to. He sought some counselling but hated it.

23/10/2017 BD - he hadn’t been to bed for a few nights and I went downstairs and he was sleeping in his sleeping bag. I asked him if he was coming to bed and he just said ‘I don’t want to be married’. That was it - said he felt numb. We agreed to have Christmas
Day as a family. It was a lovely day we cooked together and H bought me really thoughtful gifts - including perfume. After Christmas he refused to talk about us and just said he didn’t know what he wanted just that he didn’t feel the same. He was also going out with friends and staying overnight still - I have no problem with this but I just wanted him to let me know his plans and roughly when he would be home.l

We went to 2 MC sessions but they were so painful as all he said was he could see no future in us and I wanted to try anything. I got angry, upset but just going round in circles. I sought IC and started antidepressants. It became clearer that I haven’t been happy either for a long time.

I started reading DB and did a 180 - wished him well when he went off out and listened when he wanted to talk about work etc (previously I’d switched off). I made the mistake of a R talk 5 weeks ago. I am trying to GAL but it’s difficult with working and 5 children and H who will just decide he needs to escape and will go out. Plus money is really tight. I looked at the way I communicated and my inability to state my needs (this is still an issue that I am working on)

He is still sleeping downstairs but we are talking more thanin a long time (not about us, just children and general stuff). Today he cooked Sunday lunch for us all and we played a family game (it’s mothering Sunday in the UK today). I have said thank you for making it a special day. I am concerned that previously I cut him out and I do believe that he is still struggling with ptsd and his mental health. I don’t want to appear too cold nor do I want to scare him off. I am just trying to take time and baby steps. I would love any advice. I am worried we have become/ becoming friends / lodgers/ just parents rather than husband and wife. Thanks for reading x