What I was asking is if the approach of telling her that I couldn't live in an open M, stating consequences if she contacts OM, transparency plan, etc. would change.
Okay......let's pretend she comes to you tonight and spills her guts. What should you do? IMHO, you would tell her you won't stay in an open M, so if she isn't prepared to be faithful and work on the MR.....then you will be meeting with a lawyer. She will either give an answer that is positive or negative.....that would direct you in how to continue the conversation. But I don't think a H should immediately go all melty-man and tell her he wants a chance to prove himself, or invite her to start a new MR with him, or any of that stuff, b/c she will see him as a wuss. He should show strength and sterness. If she agrees to end all contact with the OM, commit to working on the MR, and agrees to his terms......then they can go from there. Otherwise, he needs to follow through with his boundary, b/c she's not going to be faithful. A guilt-ridden confession does not wipe the slate clean. She still has to go through the process that I've previously explained. However, it would probably help, if she could feel guilt over her actions.
So, what if the confession comes in a few months from now? I would keep a poker face, and ask her if she is still contacting the OM, and if she is........then tell her you had suspected, and had hoped to make changes, but you cannot continue staying in a MR of three people.... if she refuses to end contact with OM. If she says the A has ended.......you basically tell her the same thing. If she wants to save the M, then add about NC with OM (and other stipulations you feel are necessary), and especially attending professional therapy with you.......and you choose the therapist.
It gets a little complicated trying to give a pat answer for scenarios. I mean if she approaches you in two years and confesses she was in an A but ended it a year prior to confession, are you going to lay down the terms of transparency? At that point, you've already lived with her for two years.....knowing/suspecting she was in an A! See what I mean? I suppose the sitch would determine the stipulations. But I think seeing a professional therapist to heal from an A, would definitely be in order.
Sorry, if I'm not giving short, simple answers. When you choose to stay and work on yourself and not confront her about the A.......it is not a short, simple, situation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
