Hey everyone, happy to find a place to post and chat with others going through this. I've been going to my wife to ask and explain our situation and it's not been helping. Adding stress and anxiety and pressure to an already tough situation.
Some background married for 12 years, 3 kids, D11, D8, S6. We've known each other since we were young kids, she being 14 years old, me being 16. I'm the only man she's ever been with. For a good portion of that early relationship, we were long distance. Writing letters, long calls, the heart wants what it can't have. At this time, I did see other people, my wife did not.
When I was old enough, 18 years old, I started to commute and visit her regularly, driving hundreds of miles on weekends, back to work on Mondays, working construction at the time.
Moved in with her and her parents at 19. Lived in the basement. Worked with her dad. Paid rent. Decided to join the military, build a life and future for myself, my wife included.
Fast forward, she comes out to live with me after she graduates high school at my first duty station. Lived together for 3 years. Ups and downs, young couple, living together. Intense passion and some arguments. Got into online gaming with her, just doing our best as a young couple. Love is strong, but it's still young love, we argue at times, I'm inconsiderate, etc.
One day, she asks me if I want to get married. I accept. I know that is not ideal. She mentions it every now and then how she proposed to me and will never have that moment. Lots of mistakes are adding up. It's like you can't avoid it being together so long.
Anyways, we get married, ups and downs like any married couple. After about 4 years, my wife decided she was no longer in love with me due to my gaming addiction and lack of attention. She wasn't a priority. She let me know after I got back from a trip that she was moving out. So abrupt, had already gotten a place. No notice. I'm hurt, angry, but I knew that I had a problem gaming and quit. She moved out. I was lost. Angry, hurt. I did all the wrong things the first month. Pleading, angry, struggled with feelings of betrayal. One day I came upon Divorce Busting. I focused on myself, GAL, followed divorcebusting 180 rules, and kept up hope - showed her my best, tried to prove that I could grow from that. Long story short, the fire was re-kindled, fell back in love. I was at a place of complete peace with getting back together or moving on with my life and I took the jump to get back with her. Life was good again. Beautiful light shone on both of us.
The next few months and years were good. We had two more children, my middle D and my youngest S. We moved back to the state where we met, took up a new job, all new surroundings. I started to get involved in "networking" - late nights out with others, coming home at 2am drunk.
That escalated. DUIs. Late nights, no calls, no texts. Probably occurred every other week on Fridays. Just became a thing for me. I wasn't there for her again. The more hurt she felt, the more she pulled back, protected herself, rejected me. I was spiraling. Searching for that out drinking and taking her for granted again. It was wrong, I know.
I eventually had an incident at a strip club where I let a lapdance go too far, oral sex ensued. I didn't let her finish, but guilt drove me to tell my wife. She didn't leave me, didn't file for divorce, she forgave me without a second thought.
We're three years down the road from that. I've slowed it down, but I still go out every now and then. I still go missing sometimes without texting/calling. I come home the night before Thanksgiving at 3am.
I'm gambling, I'm drinking, I've cheated - not a full blow affair, but it's bad. I'm arguing with her, we're fighting regularly. I'm letting my emotions out, she's letting her emotions out. I'm "emotionally abusive" one night after a night of fighting in the car in front of the kids. I call her the "b" word. She hits me, slaps me, spits in my eye. I deserve it.
Here I am. Realizing how terrible I've been, how horrid of a husband I've been to her. I blew it.
She dropped the bomb Jan 29, 2018. She doesn't want me. She doesn't need me. She doesn't love me.
She's staying in the house, separate bedrooms, going to counseling to work on it. She's told me she's going to see how it goes in time. She's trying for the kids and the kids alone. She has no regard for me, she's protecting her heart, the walls are up. I'm hurting now, I'm seeing what I've done. I realize now. Why did it take me this long, I'm a fool. Blind, worthless fool. I don't blame her for what she's done. She had to do it for self preservation. To protect herself.
I've been totally in agreement. I don't deny how I've been. I know I'm wrong. I'm afraid though, it's too late.
I'm not sure how I let it get here. Why I did all of that. I regret it all, apologized profusely. Spent the last month trying to turn it all around, be better, prove myself. Too late. Why now she says. Why now?! She asks angrily. I have no answer, just regret, just pure empathy for her.
I'm committed to working on a better self. She's committed to giving it time and space, maybe she can heal. Maybe not. No promises. Living in the house, separate bedrooms. I miss her, but I don't deserve her. I hope for a reconciliation. I hope for healing for my marriage. I don't deserve it, but maybe there's a chance.
Feeling lost, hopeless, depressed. She caught me crying today and comforted me. What in the hell is wrong with me and how did I get so lucky with this woman. Yet, I threw it all away with my behavior. Inside I know, I ruined this, I got us to this point..
I have to focus on the good, focus on hope. I feel thoughts of desperation, how I've ruined my family. Destroyed my life. I feel hopeless...depressed...life is hard, so hard at the moment. I push on for my kids, for her - for a chance to make this right.
Am I wrong? She hasn't just left. She's here in the house, but she said it's over. She's going to counseling but it's for me she says. She hasn't said for sure divorce, but when I ask or we start to talk that's the direction she leans. Only when I let it be, try to spend time with her and kids, and just relax does there seem to be hope.
I'm needy, I want more, I want touch, love. I'm a weak person. She is the rock of our family.
Looking for advice, support. I know I don't deserve it, but please...help.
