25years mlc 10 years pass I FILE #9 LAST LAP

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you V. Means a lot.

In the final analysis, there comes a time when we must simply accept reality. (Oh how I resisted this!)

Back in my first DB days, I was just incapable of seeing that ex h was NOT as invested in our family and marriage as I was. I could not see that, I had explanations for his behaviors and incessantly asked "WHY??? How could he do this?? Please untangle this skein for me..." I imagined there was a reason behind his choices, other than the most obvious one (I once told d28, when she was 16, and h went off on his first Alaskan misadventure, that he was "confused and priorities were out of place", to which she said she thought "he is not confused, he's just selfish."

I rejected her statement and argued with her. (Seriously! WTF was I on?? HOPIUM!)

If he lied, if he lied by omission, if he lashed out in anger, I always, always decoded wrongly. I'd imagine his shame and remorse as the reason behind his hiding/lying.

(I'm not sure he felt much remorse but at Retrovaille he did for a few hours and I clung to that evidence as PROOF that he still cared!!! And he did...and then he chose himself, again. And seethed with resentment when he did not get his way, but never expressed it in decipherable ways)

His lashing out was ---- guilt!?! I could "love him through this". I pretzeled myself to make sense of his choices b/c I did not accept what is now obvious.

I was wrong, and I see that now.

When I first realized how wrong I was, I was devastated by "all the wasted years". I thought if you love someone deeply and suddenly it hits you that they really truly mistreated you, and you stayed anyhow...well,

THEN you think YOU are a fool, or you deserved it, -b/c if the person you loved the most in the world AND whom you assumed loved you most in the world, rejects or mistreats you, it's about you, right?

YOU must not be the good person you thought. All those flaws in YOU must be really big and numerous and you are, in effect, unworthy of loyalty and love. There must be other horrible things about you that THEY saw and could not love anymore...this is a devastating belief...OR there's something really weak in you to endure the mistreatment.

The past 16 months I have processed and experienced all of these^^^ reactions. I have dug deep and truthfully as best I can. I may discover more later,

but at this point, here's my summary:

I know that a terrible injustice has been done to me. Some nights (when the cognitive guards & awareness are lowered), I get sucked into the stomach punched feelings all over again. It feels sickening.

But in the daytime, when I am clear headed, I understand 2 things.

1) MOST people in the world have had graver injustices done to them, and yet they go on. And so must we.

It's not just saying "Hey it could be worse". No, it's saying "let's learn from these others about why they are happy NOW, given the terrible things done to them. How do they get past the crapstorm of injustice done to them? How are they happy, now? How can I do the same?"


AND

2) I have X number of years left on earth. That's simply true. So I ask myself how I want to spend those years. Seems there are 2 options:

a) I can spend those years staring at the pain my ex inflicted on me and our beautiful innocent children. I can ask and wonder when it's going to be "fair", when will Karma kick him in the stomach, when will ex h & OW suffer for the damage they have done?

I can keep Looking at their lives to gauge how MY life is going. I can continue to wonder about the "contest" equation...

how and when will I "WIN"?
When will it be fair?


h has a very consistent history of NOT seeing or admitting the damage he inflicts on others (and that is really a narcissistic trait in him). And he tended to repeat mistakes, so you have to wonder what he ever learned when it came to HIS choices affecting others. Maybe nothing. But it tells me that a reconciliation (even post divorce- which has happened in my family) is impossible b/c he learns nothing from his past mistakes and the reason he won't reconnect with our children (meaningfully, I mean) is b/c he won't see or admit or humbly ask for forgiveness for, HIS mistakes and the pain HE inflicted on them.

So it's never going to be "fair" in this^^^ sense.

OR

b) I can spend these remaining years making the most out of my time on earth. To take
ex h out of my equation and remove him from my own contest.

I'd do this at first, for my children to see and learn from. They will face setbacks and heartbreak in their lives. They must learn to know that they can be happy and successful, again.

And I do this new "me only" equation for ME, b/c I deserve happiness, respect and appreciation from the people in my life.

It's totally & exclusively up to me to create that, going forward. I have moments wherein I feel very betrayed, (moments that keep me up at night about 2 x a week, down from 6 nights a week).

As time passes, there are more and more times where I feel what you say, Vanilla, which is

I AM FREE. For the first time in my adult life, I am not married to a sometimes charming but always taking, man. It's a change forced upon me in a brutal way, but there IS an upside, a choice, to embrace change. It is the only way to face this in a healthy way.


No more disrespect, no more self doubting questions about what motivates or soothes the xh. No more "itchy sweater questions about whether he's "really all in".

No more hurtful gut punches - b/c even if he marries OW tomorrow (or already has. Who knows?) - it's NOT in my sandbox. It's not about me. Nothing to suggest happiness or greatness for them, and nothing to suggest otherwise.

Totally out of my control and totally NOT about me. I know this, now. It took a long time to release the illusion of my ability to affect his choices.

HE IS NOT ON MY PATH.


MY future is on my path, my work is in MY sandbox and not his sandbox. I will not measure, though I will backslide. After each backslide, I will get back on my path.
I will have fewer backslides and in time, very few.

(I think it's a bit Like meditation, in which you lose track of your centeredness or deep breathing, and your inner peace, but then you go right back to it. The journey back to peace IS part of this process and it's a goal in itself.

XH and I were once on a path together in life.

Somewhere along the way, he took a turn off the path. We had our son and my path was modified b/c I adjusted to being a mother in a way that accommodated parenting. H did not. He sought out his goals as if no child or competing needs existed. I really didn't get that, b/c he SAID WORDS to the effect of still being on the same path, or a parallel path that would reconnect to our joint path, "right around the next corner/after this next job/training year/move", his goals meant a life time of deferred gratification for others, never admitted...never acknowledged.

--- And I did not see & accept that he was on a different path until it was blindingly, painfully obvious. **

*(That was due to my projecting MY values onto him, still believing he was as invested in "us" as I had always been. That somehow he was confused, or the right path was blocked by distractions and confusion on his end, that he just didn't realize he was off of the "right path" and he was on some crazy "MLC path"... but that he WOULD absolutely awaken)

I never believed that he was simply too selfish & entitled to be a fair husband or committed father. I see this now.

Now, Whatever HE is doing or wherever HE is going, is unknown. And impossible to decipher anyhow.

I'm on my path, and he's not, and that's all I need to know.


MY path is the journey of self discovery one makes when - for the first time in their life they are on their own.

Yes I am terrified, and Yes I am very curious and Yes I am increasingly thrilled.

This is me feeling free. This is me feeling brave.