LBS - MLC H who's an alcoholic

[WWHWU]

Now, about the soon to be X. Everything that you talked about JujuB resonated so much. I do believe your sitch was worse in that, unless I'm mistaken, I don't think my WAH had a drugs problem. He said that was all worked through in his youth...I still wonder though...and I'm also thinking if he didn't then, well he probably does now.

I did have a very nice talk with my DB coach this last week. Interestingly, we've come to the conclusion together that the initial option that I was going to try is not going to work for me. I was thinking of making him file for the D with no grounds = 2 years separation before D can be final. That would give us 2 years to possibly come back together (miracle of miracles) before the D actually went through.

However, when I shared with her about some of the recent discussions that I've had w/WAH, she's convinced that he's on a very long time trajectory of pain for himself and anyone who's with him. She agrees that he probably has several other addictions as well. I think sex is one, and porn. He's got the two extra phones and Viagra to prove it. Also, because in his mind he thinks he's moved on and can have a girlfriend, and he lies to me and my daughter and sais it's all very new. It's obvious that it's been going on a while. I told him I feel sorry for her, and he said that that's an evil thing to say. As if it's this beautiful spiritual relationship that they have. He's charmed her for now, just like he'd charmed me for so long. Still, he sais that it's my fault he moved on as I was too controlling. Gaslighting. When people try to convince you it's you, it's not true. These 3 A's are deal busters: Addiction, Affairs, Abuse. He's done all 3, and all repeatedly.

My DB coach told me that my daughter wants to believe him because it hurts not to. She doesn't want to believe that her father is this monster he's become. She keeps a photo of the two of them as a screen saver on her phone now. It's one I took when we were in FL and he was in recovery. I was walking behind them so it's just their backs and her beautiful shiny ginger hair flowing from her tiny precious head, proudly holding the hand of this her big strong Poppy. She was age 3 I think. They're walking on the sidewalk, on a bright sunny day and the lush tropical foliage all around. He had gotten sober for her back then.

When he was in recovery for the 4 years whilst we were in the US, (10+ years ago.) I had so much admiration for him. I watched as he spoke behind a podium about how wonderful his life is now and how he's so grateful for the program. He praised me and our D for helping him stay sober. We would often go to open meetings together, and our little D would play under the table. It was sometimes a challenge to keep her quite, but we were a family working things through together. He got his masters, and I supported him through that. He started a business. I was so proud. We had a beautiful home and money in the bank.

Something deep inside of him couldn't be satisfied with all that though. His demons wanted to get back to the life of drink and fiefdom that he had enjoyed in the UK before - making his staff his best friends and drinking buddies. Back then, he told me the reason for the move to the UK, besides the job opp, was to also help struggling/boring AA groups in the UK improve. Yes, I kid you not, that was one of a 3 part mission that he said he received signs from God for! He was drinking again w/in 6 mos. after we moved here. The other vision was to help struggling churches in renewal mode. We joined one, and his contribution was to play in the band. He's now turned church into his gig. He's now told everyone that the only real reason he got involved with church is because I forced him to in order for us to be together.

Addicts are in relationship w/their addiction, and that rules and controls their world. It's a slow suicide. Nothing in their world is about love because they don't give it to themselves. He's now in complete denial. I asked him if his girlfriend knows that he's an alcoholic, and he said "this isn't helping." Said he doesn't binge anymore because he's not having to deal with me. Translation = Doesn't need to binge because he can freely drink all day without repercussions from me.

In the mediation on Tuesday, I'm going to be open and honest. He doesn't want me to file on grounds of alcoholism, said he'd rather I just say it's due to poor finance management (he has indeed squandered all of our savings and my pension on the business he started in the US, that of course failed. He blames me for its failure.) However, my DB coach said that if I'm not honest he won't learn that his actions have consequences, and that's not helping him. This is not about revenge. Some things in life we will never regret: Being Kind and Truthful are two big ones. Bailing him out is not a kind thing to do.

In the end, I will be able to say that I left no stone unturned, I did my best and I spoke the truth.

Much love and gratitude to you all for listening!