Wow...Cathy's quote, somewhat edited for emphasis:
Quote: What I realized this morning is that I feel inept because I can't keep up with him sexually. [. . . ]I come away from those experiences feeling worthless, like I have let him down, was not able to satisfy him. I have put pressure on myself because our sexual appetites don't match up and that pressure is causing me to make a stink in the relationship. I can see though where, if I had not learned to be more introspective that I would have eventually ended up blaming him and his appetite for my own insecurities. [. . .]It isn't really pressure coming from you but from herself because she feels unable to keep up with you in that department. When we are in a situation that is important to us we want to do well, we want to know we are able to give what the other person needs. When we feel we are failing at that, at times it can be easier to stop even trying than to figure out why or how to be better equipped.
Talk about your lightbulb moments. My wife is an overachiever, a perfectionist. She really does fantastically at almost everything she puts her mind to. But I have always had a bigger sexual appetite than her, and she has probably felt unable to keep up, and has consequently felt inadequate. So she quit trying. The "pressure" she has told me about feeling is sometimes so innocuous--a sigh, as I roll over (I sigh almost every night. It relaxes me.) A comment about something sexy on television. (Yet she is free to bring sex-related matters up at her leisure.) A hand placed under her shirt and resting on her belly while snuggling in bed. She told me later, "I thought you intended to move it up to my breasts." So now even my intent (of which I had no such intent) is even pressure. Let's face it, my mere presence in her life is pressure.
I suppose it should be no surprise to me that I'm really not pressuring her at all, unless I actually try to touch her breasts or her groin. Unless I actually say, "you ALWAYS reject me" after she's rejected me for the umpteenth time in a row. Or unless my sigh is one of those theatric, wheezing sighs that I'm not apt to make in such a circumstance (more likely, I give those for humorous effect when some type of food I'm not going to get a bite of is involved).
So, the pressure she feels coming from me, is actually coming from her inner frustration that she can't keep up with me. She needs to take ownership of it. It's not my intent to pressure her to have sex. It's not my intent to make her feel bad that we don't have sex. Although, admittedly, it was, at one time, one of my stupid tactics...but that was years ago. Now, in conversations we have had on the subject, I just tell her that TSSM describes to a tee what her rejections make me feel like, and would she please read it. Lately, I've even stopped suggesting that, when I realized that the only part of the book she seemed to be reading was the part for the HD spouse, so she could tell me where my behavior did not conform to what Michele said it was to be.
No, the pressure of my presence in her life is not my fault. I love her. I give her attention. I talk to her. I sleep in the same bed with her. But the fact that she feels pressure from the slightest thing is not my responsibility (when there is no intent on my part). It's her responsibility. When I tell her that I miss the connection I used to feel when we were comfortable with our intimacy, I'm not asking her to "keep up with me." I'm asking her to work on feeling comfortable with being intimate with me again.
