I'm a 50 year old woman who has done the menopause thing. It WAS NOT smooth sailing....was actually one of the most horrific things I've ever been through as far as my body and changes in my body. The thing about meno is that if allowed it can easily take control of your life and become an excuse. A real excuse but just an excuse. It can become a cop out and it sounds as if your wife is using it to cop out on some things. That isn't a negative judgment, I fully understand where she is coming from, having been there myself. Take this into account. Right now she is dealing with chemical changes in her body that causes her to be sensitized to stress and evidently she feels this issue is very stressful. What she is going to have to do is stop allowing the syptoms of meno to take precedence over life. Only she can make the decision to do that.
Quote: She was trying to explain how it doesn't take much for her to feel pressured, and that this can happen from something I say or do that seems so small and insignificant, and she said something like "It's like when we were first married, and you said that you were ALWAYS ready and rarin' to go, and when I wasn't, it felt like all this pressure on me all the time..." - and she was comparing it to the present time where she "feels pressured" because I still want sex and intimacy with her even though she "can't" (meno issues). Hoo, boy! So, if I understand correctly, what she's saying (and I'm not real sure she realizes just how much she let slip) is that she knows this has always been an issue with us!
This relates to something that is happening in my life. Something happened yesterday afternoon that caused me to spend last night and this morning putting a lot of thought into it. You know, trying to analyze my reaction to the situation.
I am dating a very nice man who is always ready and rarin to go. I was a high drive wife who has wished for just this kind of man in my life. HA!! Now that I'm there it's causing some emotional upheaval. This person could have sex morning, noon and night and can last and last and last. I can't do that!!
So, here I am with what I have always wanted, a man who loves me, adores me and desires me and I find myself withdrawing from him.
Lately I've been finding little things to dislike about him. Stupid stuff like his toes are too long or his teeth aren't white enough. I've been looking externally for something that is going on internally. It is so much easier to see life that way.
What I realized this morning is that I feel inept because I can't keep up with him sexually. There have been times during love making that I've had to ask him to stop because it would become painful or I would be spent physically and couldn't go on. I come away from those experiences feeling worthless, like I have let him down, was not able to satisfy him. I have put pressure on myself because our sexual appetites don't match up and that pressure is causing me to make a stink in the relationship. I can see though where, if I had not learned to be more introspective that I would have eventually ended up blaming him and his appetite for my own insecurities.
Maybe this is what your wife means by the pressure she feels. It isn't really pressure coming from you but from herself because she feels unable to keep up with you in that department. When we are in a situation that is important to us we want to do well, we want to know we are able to give what the other person needs.
When we feel we are failing at that, at times it can be easier to stop even trying than to figure out why or how to be better equipped. I know I had this huge light bulb moment this morning when I realized I was about to ruin a very nice relationship by making my issue a relationship issue.
I’m pleased for you that she has managed to read so much of the book so quickly. I will be extremely pleased for her if she is able to interpret it in a way that helps her deal with her issues.
Cathy
