Hey folks!! Not much has changed in the sitch with W. Still pretty much NC/dark and moving forward with my life.
After that tumultuous emotional period recently, I've come to a more emotional equilibrium. I feel pretty good and making improvements and working towards my goals. Still smoke free and haven't relapsed - not going to happen.
My perspective on getting a D hasn't changed. I was worried about if I file, then she gets to say that 'he did it and he wanted it' and whatever crap. But, to be honest, I really don't care about that at all anymore. She can use that to prove or disprove whatever theories or ideas she has in her head.
The fact is that if I had done what she did to me, she wouldn't have given recon a second thought. I am referring to the EA that she had around BD. So, why am I trying to revive something that got crushed? It took me a while, but it was because my ego was deeply bruised and hurt, and everything was spinning out of control. I have worked on both and coming to realize that I am worthy of love and compassion, and that I can only control myself and chart my own path.
So, I've been reminding myself of that a lot lately and it's helped with the emotions.
Also, a huge win has been my relationship with the kids. My control issues are pretty much gone with them and I am way more chill and laid back and so are the kids. This has been a super positive thing in the last few months. Just learning to not get riled up about stuff that doesn't really matter and understanding the roots of my control issues. I feel a lot better and more grounded now. Don't feel like I am in survival mode all the time.
Whatever is going on with W, I dunno. But, I know that I cannot take her back with all the issues she has. Also, I have realized that I cannot be with someone who doesn't own up to their $hit and work on it. She hasn't done that. Also, I am not waiting around for her to switch up and make those changes. I wasn't waiting in the first place, but I am not standing for my MR anymore.
I am waiting for my self-imposed 12 months to pass - which will be June this year - and then make the next move. The decision is between filing for D or continue to stand but keep moving forward. I am still feeling good about filing for D, but will see how I feel by June and then make the call.
I know what I have to offer and what kind of a person I am. What my values and boundaries are, and what I will and will not accept.
I cannot be with someone who is weak, full of anxiety, and has little self-respect and self-love. I know that I had little self-respect and self-love for myself, but I changed that up and gained my confidence and respect back. More than anything, I learned to love who I was for who I am from within, rather than saying that I will love myself when I achieve x or become like this. I learned to love myself with all my strengths and flaws and warts n all.
So, I am in a good place. I am still working out and climbing like a fiend. I am so happy being athletic again. I want to date some fit ladies who are into the same things as me
All in all, everything is really great. I am loving my new life every day now.
