First sandi is right. There is no wrong or right time. Every situation is different. Take her advice on compiling enough evidence. Because once you confront that evidence will NOT BE AVAILABLE ANYMORE! The one thing WW wives get really good at is learning from their mistakes and going stealth. I could give you a laundry list of ways my WW has done that over the last 2 months.
When you do confront, do NOT BE SAD or NEEDY! That comes off as pathetic. Be firm, in control, but obviously angry. No yelling, but think of the stern father approach.
Lay your case out, the evidence you have, but also have a clear direction forward. Again deliver firmly, sternly, but in control.
"Your choices are A AND B." Have A and B clearly defined in your mind. Set the boundaries right then and there. Again do not play your cards. You can tell her that what your preference but be clear that IT IS HER CHOICE!! This is important. If you try to sway her to staying in the MR and working on things she will flee from it!
Lay out the choices, tell her it is up to her because, here is the thing, IT IS UP TO HER.
LBHs ask all the time: when will my wife change. The answer is so simple it is stupid: when she wants to. That may be now, that may be weeks, months or years, or it may be never! You have to be prepared for the worst.
When you confront her she will likely blame you, make excuses, deflect. ANYTHING but own up to her behavior. WWs do not take ownership for their behavior. They just don't. They can come with endless jusitifications for their actions. DO NOT ENGAGE HER ON THOSE. That is what she wants. Talking about her reasons for doing what she is doing deflects the conversation from WHAT she is doing. That is counter-productive.
Read all of Cadets links before confronting. Especially the validation one. Be ready to validate her feelings but not give in to her reasons.
She will start a lot of sentences with "I feel". Again, she is driven by emotions and feelings not logic. DO NOT TRY TO COMBAT feelings and emotions with logic. To a WW logic makes no sense. Only what she feels does.
Be prepared for her to rewrite history. "I was NEVER happy." "I never loved you." Lots of nevers and absolutes. Again this is driven by her current thoughts a feelings, and reasoning with her will not work. "You loved me enough to take vows of marriage with me!" "You loved me enough to have kids with me!" Etc. All may be true but she is not about truth right now.
2 major rules if and when you do confront:
1) DO NOT REACT EMOTIONALLY TO HER WORDS. She is going to say a lot of things, most of them not true (see rule #2) just to get at you. Be turtle with a hard shell and let them bounce off that shell.
2) BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS. Her words will not match her actions.
One last suggestion, do not suggest MC. Just don't. She will agree because it lets her off the hook. She will go relunctantly so that later she can say "yes we tried MC to save the MR". If she brings it up, be open to it but set a boundary. "I will only do MC IF you are willing to fully commit back to the MR." Again, she may suggest it just to ease her conscience. That will become a priority to her after you confront.
When I confronted my wife she immediately said she didn't want to be married anymore. That then dominated the converstion and I let her off the hook for her EA. I also begged, pleaded, reasoned, made all kinds of offers, etc. Terrible behavior. My wife actually was very affectionate with me the next couple of days. Why? She was trying to ease her conscience. I asked her about it later and she said "Well I knew you were hurting and wanted to try to make you feel better." BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY! She was trying to make herself feel better!!
Good luck, and buckle up. If you do confront the roller-coaster ride will go from 5 to 10 immediately.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
