CeMar, NMB, this is a serious thread to me, about my efforts to apply the principles in Passionate Marriage. Please don't hijack it.
Well, as I expected, it was an interesting evening. First, S18 had to work from 5 to 9, so when W left to drive him to work, she was leaving about 4:45 or so. She mentioned she was going to be looking for some vitamins while she was out. She was gone for an hour, and came home with no vitamins. When she got in the door, it was time to start supper - BBQ hotdogs. After supper (and yes, I helped clean up) it was very quickly time for Game 1 Mtl vs. Tampa Bay (4-0 Tampa, it won't be much of a series). Lest you think I was remiss in watching the game instead of talking with W, for one thing, the kids would have wondered what was up, not because I'm so into sports (I'm not, really), but it's been so long since Montreal has gone this far, our WHOLE family is Montreal fans, and it would've just been a wrong note. At any rate, W was keeping herself busy with other things (laundry, hiding out in the bathroom) and even if I had the TV off, I'm pretty sure she would have been unavailable. As you'll see later in the story, she was determined to control the entire evening, and she did - nearly.
Around 9:00, she left to go get S18 from work, and I turned the game off (it was too pitiful). S12 went to bed around that time also, but remained awake and "active" until nearly 10:00 (got out of bed to interact with S18 when he came home, etc.). S18 went on the computer (at the bottom of the stairs, just under the L.R.) when he came home, and W went into the kitchen to make tea and toast. Came back to sit by me while the water boiled, but remained silent. When the water boiled, she went in there, and I followed her in, to see if we could grab a little privacy to chat a bit, but she was NOT in the mood - she said "We need to have a talk" and I initially thought "Duh, isn't that what I said this morning?" but then I realized she was wanting to talk to ME about HER issues - basically rag on me about how I don't understand what she's going through. I was wanting to say to her that her behavior was giving me a clear signal that she thought I had some major agenda, and I tried to get that across, and also that I just wanted to talk about how we can make our marriage what it should be, but she said she had spent the day working things through in her mind, and crying (or almost crying) several times, and that SHE needed to talk to ME, but she didn't want to do it while she was having her tea and toast. I went back into the L.R., and she finished her tea in the kitchen. Around 10:10 or so, she came out, and we went into the bedroom to talk.
She insisted on going first, and I sat quietly and listened to her. Before she started, she wanted to know what had made me seek out "that book", and I told her it was on the recommended reading list at the back of SSM, and she nodded, like "I thought so." She talked about how, during these past few weeks, she had been feeling really good about US, due to the fact that not only was SHE working on the things like meno research etc., but I was also more present to her and the kids. I had been doing more around the house, helping with the painting, and the Easter celebrations, and not expecting anything in return from her. She was making heavy use of the past tense in talking about how good she had felt. She said she's dealing with a Medical Condition (menopause), and that I "Just Didn't Get It". She said that this instance of ND on her part is "different" from "all the others", because THIS one is due to a Medical Condition she has no control over. And she does NOT appreciate that, when she is doing everything she can to try to deal with this, and all the other things (starting to cry at this point), like emotional kids and hectic schedules and cooking and cleaning, she does NOT appreciate when I read "those kind of books" like SSM and PM, and get all obsessed with that. She pointed out that I'm not even 50 yet, and I have NO signs of aging, and so I can't POSSIBLY understand what she's going through. So I'm just dealing with "this one thing", while she's got "all this other stuff" to deal with.
Wow, I was glad I had read the WHOLE book first. Through this entire tirade (and, indeed, through the entire conversation) I was able to hold onto myself and avoid getting overwhelmed. I found I didn't even really need to do much self-soothing, although I did do various things like take a deep breath from time to time, and at one point (we were sitting on the bed), I lay down and got comfortable, which helped me FEEL more comfortable. Not only was I able to keep my emotions under control, but I was also able to say to her all the things I had been planning to say, and do so in a firm but gentle voice. I didn't raise my voice even once, and by "raise my voice" I'm not talking so much about YELLING (S12 was asleep in the next room) as about "yelling in a whisper" or speaking with venom - I didn't do any of that. In fact, I also noticed that SHE did far less "whisper yelling" in this conversation than in previous similar conversations.
Anyway, at some point she sounded like she was getting to a point where I could start to speak, so I asked if I could respond, and she said "by all means". As I began to respond, she kept jumping in and wanting to interject things, and I had to ask her several times to show me the same respect I had shown her, by listening to me as I had listened to her. One thing you should know, is that in the past, being interrupted in this way was always one of the QUICK BUTTONS she could (and often did) press to "set me off", and I would go off like a ROCKET, very predictably. I HATE being interrupted, especially when I'm trying to say something very serious, as at this time. I have always interpreted it as being the epitome of lack of repect. Anyway, this time I didn't react at all, except to gently and firmly remind her that I expected the same respect I had shown her. I had to do this several times, but eventually she stopped interrupting. I said that I, too, had felt pretty good about how things had been going, and that during the paint project and the Easter celeb., I had been freely giving of myself without expecting payback, but that I realized that last week (before PM) I had been being manipulative, by doing things for her in the hope of quid-pro-quo, and she said yes, she had picked up on that. Then I said I really had just wanted to talk about this book, and how it had given me some profound insights, and I wanted to share that with her, and that while I feel it would be a REALLY good idea for us to read it together, I would not "require" her to do that, nor would I nag her about it, but that I was going to begin acting on it, and making changes in myself based on it, and that if she wanted to better understand what I was doing and why, it would be good if she read the book sooner rather than later. I said I was going to start wanting to discuss things with her more openly and forthrightly, and I offered kissing as an example, and how we used to do a LOT of it, and how lately we do almost NONE of it, and she again brought up the meno thing (Medical Condition), but I said I didn't see the connection to kissing. I made a commitment to her that I will not ask her to do anything that would violate her Medical Condition, but that I didn't see anything about kissing that would be prevented by menopause.
Anyway, it was a LONG conversation, and it went back and forth. She became more and more convinced that "it's all about sex", especially since I would not deny that sex is a large part of PM, and a large part of a healthy adult marriage, and that I was not going to "make it go away" for her. Again, I never raised my voice, which I think bugged her more than anything. I could feel her anger rising all during the session. The conversation lasted over an hour. I did ask her directly if she would be willing to read the Introduction and Chapter 1, and she agreed she could do that. Finally at about 11:30, I suggested we go to bed, because it was late, I was tired, and we didn't seem to be covering any new ground. We started preparing for bed, and I went to use the bathroom and discovered S18 was in there, so I had to wait. Went back to the bedroom and discovered W was in bed, and reading PM. Long story short, she read up to p.32 last night before going to sleep. I think she was too angry to sleep at first.
Anyway, it's a start. Things are finally in motion. This morning she still seems angry - it'll be interesting to see how things progress from here. I'm still holding onto myself, and in fact, I feel kind of relieved now that the waiting is over, and we're making a beginning.
