Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[sandi2]

Yes, you are correct. It’s not that I don’t want to confront her, it’s that I don’t think I have laid enough groundwork to entice her to come back. I think you and Acc are right in saying that at this point it would be fruitless and potentially make things worse. I will need at least a few more weeks if not more before I think I would be ready.

My questions is, [b]HOW[b] will I know I/we are ready?

That is a question one of the LBH's could probably answer much better than I can. However, I want you to stop obsessing about the confrontation. If you don't, then all this other stuff I have put out here on your thread the past two days will go in one ear and out the other, b/c all you can focus on is confronting her. Scr@w the confrontation, unless you want to get a divorce. I think your male ego wants her to know that you know what she"s doing. When confronted, that is usually when the WW will tell her H she wants a D. So, if you are determined to go that route, please tell me now.

To give you MHO about when you'll know the time to confront her, I think most guys go a gut instinct. Personally, I feel you need to be armed with evidence, and choose the right
Mtime and place. I think you should catch her totally off guard. Don't tell her you need to talk about something.........none of that stuff, b/c it tips her off. The more she is caught unprepared and surprised, the better for you. I believe in timing for all things. If she's in a Horrible mood, I would not pick that time to confront her. Know what you will say. Practice it while standing in front of the mirror. Show more confidence than ever before, and not an ounce of weakness. No tears, no sympathy, no pity, and no begging. If she says the M is over.......then be prepared for it. Tell her you will respect her wishes. If she says she'll end the A, then you give her your stipulations.........but I won't repeat all of that in this post. My main point is that you are brutally honest with yourself in why you are busting a gut to confront her about the OM? Do you see it as ending the A?

Everything in my life focuses on her and the kids, so I do nothing for myself. I definitely need to get some of that back.
In doing so, since I can’t invite her, how will she see that I’m doing that? Me talking about it? My attitude in general?

How will she see you returning to the fun loving guy you once were? Did you even read my second post? No, don't discuss your personal GAL time. Your attitude and general lighter mood, & friendliness will send out more messages than you know. She'll probably have questions about it. Don't spill your guts. The secret is to let other tell her how much they enjoyed being you and how much fun it was. And, she'll know. She's a woman........she'll find out. The kids will probably talk about the good times. When the kids are home and you are playing with them, getting ready to go somewhere, etc.........she will see.

As for GAL, that should be mysterious to her. If you do all of what I suggest, and if you do it's for her to see........you will appear like a six year old who is jumping around trying to get his mother's undivided attention. So, try with all your might to do these for you and your kids. And btw, when you have something planned with the kids, it's okay to invite her......once in a while. But your personal GAL without your kids.......no, absolutely not. Your W has been your crutch ever since you M her. The point is to step away long enough to discover who you are as a man. Some men are worse than children being pulled away from the mother on the first day of school. But you can do this! The fact you were fun before M is a plus factor.

I agree, but that wasn’t me. Never has been. That guy was my best friend in High School, so I know the type well. Some of those things do apply, but I was never the center of attention, didn’t have lots of girlfriends and certainly wasn’t Mr. Personality. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends and most people liked me, but I was never the center of the group.
I admittedly have become boring and I’m not sure how to become interesting again. At least to her.
As I have mentioned, I have had quite a few talks with my kids lately and they have told me I am the “cool” parent and I’m fun to be around. Good to hear, but how does that translate to my W? Being “cool” and “fun” with your kids is much easier than with adults.

Okay, no problem. I didn't mean to imply that *you* had to be the center of everyone's attention. I was just trying to paint a picture of a guy you would see as Mr. Personality.
We can break it down into small steps. I don't expect you to jump in a ring of complete strangers and start doing cartwheels.

I admittedly have become boring and I’m not sure how to become interesting again. At least to her.
As I have mentioned, I have had quite a few talks with my kids lately and they have told me I am the “cool” parent and I’m fun to be around. Good to hear, but how does that translate to my W? Being “cool” and “fun” with your kids is much easier than with adults.

Okay, so the kids are already in your corner. You say it's much easier being fun and cool with them. They will be your first stepping stone. Plus, they could be your link to meeting other people, or practice new skills on your current acquaintances. Do you have something fun planned for this weekend? What are the ages of your kids? Better yet, why not give the information about you and W and the kids in your signature line.

Are you saying I need to get a major social life? I ask because that is how I read what you are describing. My work schedule and kids simply won’t allow that. Occasionally, yes, but all the time, no.

Yes, I am telling you to get a social life. I am not telling you to give up your job in order to socialize. I tell you what, let's emphasize GAL as your "social life". Doing fun things and hanging out with the kids can be referred to as "family activity". You GAL occasionally, but your kids are home every night, so you can make the most of it when you are together.

What you may have misunderstood in my previous post, was my reference to you spending so much time on the building project. Maybe I have it wrong, but aren't you doing that after you get off your regular job every day?

My W’s new found social life is part of what is causing her to lose the kids (more on that in another post). What can I do from home to accomplish this? I am spending a ton of time with D14 and S8 (which is also pi$$ing my W off. Again, another post), so I’ve got that covered. Not sure what else to do.

I don't you intended for this to sound like an excuse, but it kind of does. I mean, it is a true statement, but let's see how we get around it. I don't know what you mean by her losing the kids. Maybe you'll explain.

If there is something you want to do for GAL, you need to beat her to claiming the date on the calendar. Maybe there is a family calendar in your house where appointments, etc. are posted on the days. If not, just say, I have plans for March 16, so I will not be available here at the house. If she asks if the kids are going, just say no. Let her pi$$on everything in the house. Just remain cool as a cucumber and ignore her tantrums. Quickly turn your attention to something else. She want to know what's so important on that date, b/c she had plans too. You do not give her details about your GAL. She has your number if their is an emergency. Nothing else really concerns her about your plans. Don't let her dominating personality back you into a corner. Don't let her become your excuse for not having the freedom to GAL once in a while.

Every person who comes back to the board and tells us how much happier they are, tell us how they did it. They let go of their sitch and GAL. That is how you will find the guy you were before M. Every person is given the same 24 hours in every day. It's up to us as how we use it.

[

quote]Originally Posted By: sandi2
So, back to becoming Mr. Personality. If you stay focused on yourself, instead of what your W is doing/thinking......your kids win, you win, your future relationships win......and maybe even your M will win. What do you say? Want to give it the ole college try? How about giving it more..........how about giving it your all?
Start by inwardly taking a very long look at yourself. I think you have already seen mistakes you made in your R with your W. You also see where you've narrowed your personal world, considerably.

I’m committed, but I’m not sure what I am doing so far is getting noticed for the most part. As I have said, I have been doing a lot with D14 and S8, which she has noticed in a negative way judging by her comments to D14. I go out occasionally to do my own thing, not telling her what it is I am doing or even that I am going most of the time. Usually it consists of going somewhere to walk or read. Not exactly what you would call interesting, but I am hoping she will think I am doing other things. Sometimes it is during the day on my days off, sometimes after work and occasionally in the evening on my day off. Don’t get me wrong, it is not two or three times per week – usually once a week to once every week and a half. She has only shown that she has noticed once – the first time I put cologne on before I went out. I did not receive a warm reception the next day.[/quote]

I guess it is pointless for me to tell a newcomer LBH to stop worrying about whether or not his W notices. She will notice, okay? She probably won't like it. Why? B/c you waited until she was emotionally finished with the MR before you got off your a$$ to make the changes she is now seeing in you. But that's fine. If you want to really get her stirred up, wait till later in the evening, then put on your cologne and head out. "I'm going out, don't wait up". . I could probably tell you a lot of ways to get her ready to chew nails. But the goal is not to make her angry. It is to make you appear more mysterious and interesting. Let me ask, do you live in city or rural area? Just was wondering what might be available for you.

My life is work. That’s it. I think if I start by changing that, I will be much more content. Sounds a lot like GAL, doesn’t it?

A lot of hard working men become their job. They lose themselves in their work. I am embarrassed to admit that I had many years under my belt before I realized that this is how most men show their love for their family. He is the provider and protector in the family. He wants them to have as good a life as he can afford. So, his whole life is work, work, work. Unfortunately, some wives forget to let her H know how much he is appreciated.

I am encouraged that you followed up on my suggestion of the self evaluation. This post is ending much better than I thought reading the first few words. I am not the best writer, and I don't mind answering anything you don't understand. I don't know all the answers, by any means........I am referring to something I have said that may not make sense.

[

quote]Originally Posted By: sandi2
Only, it's a little crazy, b/c even though she doesn't want to be his W......she still expects him to act like her H.

You don’t say? I never noticed…
This part actually drives me the craziest. She still “notifies” me about things that need to be done and expects me to do them, yet she doesn’t do a thing for me.
To be fair though, she has shown a few acts of kindness towards me over the past couple of weeks.[/quote]

I'm sure it is crazy for the H. Here's the thing. The WW has turn completely selfish. In fact, that's her motivation. If something does not benefit her in some way, shape, or form........then she's not interested. She want to keep her secret A with OM, but she still has certain benefits in the M to her H. She can be unfaithful and betray her H, and turn around and play happy family when it suits her.

I would have walked away. No questions asked. But, as you said, children complicate things and I do still love her. We have 33 years invested in each other and I can’t see throwing them away without giving our best effort to work things out

.

That's what I suspected, which is a good answer. I have seen some men who fit your dating history of not having an abundance of girlfriends......and they just turn to mush at the thought of losing a woman that treating him horribly. Those are the ones I have a hard time understanding. I am not as cold hearted as I might sound at times. I have had divorce all around me, so I've seen good results and bad results. I think you still have a level of self-respect that she has not completely stripped away. You love your children and do not want to split the home. So, we are going to support you as best that we can, okay?