M46(just turned at midnight) W44 D 18, S,17, S13 M 20 T 24 BD 1-2018 Im new, just recently posted an overview of my marital sitch. In Jan wife n i had argument because i wasnt happy about her not inviting mw to company holiday party. She then told me that she wasnt happy, felt nothing, and had nothing to give. I made the typical mistake of gttg emotional and asking her to give counciling a try so we can exhaust all options.
She wouldnt commit to working on marriage but did agree to counciling. Prior counciling i did some homework on dbusting. I had a feeling that she may say same thing to mc, which she did. So i did a 180 and said that i understood why she felt that way and that i would like to reset out goals to improve our communication to coparent effectively. After session she asked me for drinks and she opened up to me, cant live life anymore for others expectations. And she got close to me in bed, which she hasnt in a long time.
That was over 3 weeks ago and ive seen a noticable improvement in our communication. Shes not as cold etc. For reference, ive been doing phone consults with DB. Im told shes a WAW. But i think she could be having a mlc as well. She told me that she has monthly cycle 2-3 weeks out of month, poss perimenapause so i know hormones all over, and she refuses to seek some help for that.
So ive been GAL, focusing on my kids and detaching. All whilr still giving her my undivided attention when she wants to talk. Ive been trying to set weekly goals, solution oriented and a 1 of them is to try and have some 1 on 1 time out somewhere...have a drink, listen to music, movie, anything. But my db coach did tell me to make sure i was able to handle rejecion if that came to be.
Tonight i get home from 2 day bus trip. She comes home from work early to make dinner. I overhear my som ask her about her plans for Sat(besides the wedding?) because he needed a ride. Wedding??? Im askinh myself, what wedding? I ask her what plans are for Sat, and she tells me her cousins wedding, and that she is going. Now my name was on the invitation as well, and we have not told anyone about any problems. And my wife wants it that way. We both do, so we can continue counciling, etc.
Although i did a 180 and didnt show emotion, i was hurt. I love my wifes family and im embarrassed for not being there. Im hurt because she normally always wants me at family functions. IM ALSO UPSET THAT SHE WASNT EVEN GOING TO TELL ME TILL THE DAY BEFORE WHICH HAPPENS TO BE MY BIRTHDAY.
So heres how i responded. I took dog for a walk and thought about dbusting techniques. I calmly went upstairs and asked her if she was available to talk. I asked her if everything was ok? "Yes, why do u ask"? I asked her if she thought we were getting along ok since counciling, "yes". And then i asked if anything has changed from what we agreed to in counciling? She said no, why? I told her that i feel funny not going to wedding, and should i make other plans for Easter. How come she didnt mention it to me? She said that she had to RSVP right when we had big argument, BD, and that she didnt want to include me if i wasnt going to go. She said that she felt bad about after counciling because we have been getting along better.
I asked why she waited so long to tell me she was going solo? She said she kind of forgot about it until her parents mentioned something this past Sunday. I then asked when she was planning to tell mr, she said when i got home from the trip. Basically the day before, on my birthday. She then prob had some guilt, and asked if i would be home early enough from work on my bday to go out to dinner with thekids? I feel bad, but i just said i didnt think so.
I then suggested that as part of our effort to work on communication, and just relax a little, maybe we could get out for a beer or something one of these days. She didnt say yes, but said that she would think abou it. I understand the wall she has built and the safe harbor it provides. But i came from the angle of, hopefully we can be two adults who spend a little time together to discuss family,etc. She then replied, we need to go out for beers to talk? I then rephrased, beers, coffee, anything just to talk.
Im hurt that she said she would think about it. Now is this one of those big tests? Wedding too? Lately this would have escalated into an argument. But we actually had a long positive conversation about how we got into trouble. She opened up about the things that bothered her and just listened, intently. We also had a lengthy discussion about her job and satisfaction at work. It all started by me asking her about her job? She reallygot into it and told me a lot. About some of her challenges, people issues, etc. She really shared a lot of detail. I think she really liked that i was interested. Which i genuinly am!!!!!!
My question, is this a positive or negative or a little of both. My wife is good about remembering events/dates, so i dont buy that she forgot to tell me that she was going solo. Especially when her parents just reminded her. And i cant tell you how hurt i am that my wife needs to think about if she is ok to have a couple beers with me. We still are married and sleep in the same bed. I dont think she is in any type of a, but i do think that she is being coached!
