Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[rminer]

Am I right in saying your plan of action is to focus on becoming a much better version of yourself, and that you intend to hold off confronting her at this time?

Yes, you are correct. It’s not that I don’t want to confront her, it’s that I don’t think I have laid enough groundwork to entice her to come back. I think you and Acc are right in saying that at this point it would be fruitless and potentially make things worse. I will need at least a few more weeks if not more before I think I would be ready.

My questions is, [b]HOW[b] will I know I/we are ready?

We have seen many H's like you who get a family of their own and that becomes their entire world. It sounds very pretty when the words are said, to think a man is so wrapped up in his W and kids that he's not really concerned or interested in anything else. However, the reality is that the man begins to lose a bit of himself. He slowly loses the guy he once was....

I couldn’t have said this any better myself. This is exactly how I feel and how it went for me. I have given up so much in my life for her and my family (ultimately my choice) that I have lost who I am. I am not an exciting, fun loving guy like I used to be. My W has said more than once that she feels like she is the reason I am not living my dreams. I have always denied this to her, but she did play a big role in my decision to give them up. Everything in my life focuses on her and the kids, so I do nothing for myself. I definitely need to get some of that back.
In doing so, since I can’t invite her, how will she see that I’m doing that? Me talking about it? My attitude in general?

Many new relationships have started by connecting with old sweethearts. In some cases, they were just friends, and then one admit that they had a secret crush on the other...

Ummm… Yeah.
This is one of the pitfalls I said I was aware of. There is a girl who, as you said, did have a crush on me (so I am told). She is part of the group of friends I am looking for, so I am sure I will run in to her eventually. My W was told about the crush by someone and was told we had a thing going on the side… Not true, but that is what she was told.
This girl will be avoided.

Don't take this as an insult when I suggest you will be emotionally vulnerable to another female showing interest in you.

No insult taken. It is absolutely true. I have been noticing other women in ways I never have before. Eyes, smile, things like that. Normally I never notice, but since this all started, I have. Someone flirted with me the other day and I felt damn good. I can see how someone could start a new relationship under these circumstances without much thought.

I haven’t acted on anything and won’t. I still wear my ring as a reminder and I refuse to go down that road, but I can see how it would easily happen.

She will either send you a request, or she'll say something in person about why haven't you friended her.

My next question answered…

Before you can set goals about how you want to improve yourself, you need to have a mind picture of it. Do you agree? Some people might argue and say, "Well, that's not me".

I agree, but that wasn’t me. Never has been. That guy was my best friend in High School, so I know the type well. Some of those things do apply, but I was never the center of attention, didn’t have lots of girlfriends and certainly wasn’t Mr. Personality. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends and most people liked me, but I was never the center of the group.
I admittedly have become boring and I’m not sure how to become interesting again. At least to her.
As I have mentioned, I have had quite a few talks with my kids lately and they have told me I am the “cool” parent and I’m fun to be around. Good to hear, but how does that translate to my W? Being “cool” and “fun” with your kids is much easier than with adults.

Are you saying I need to get a major social life? I ask because that is how I read what you are describing. My work schedule and kids simply won’t allow that. Occasionally, yes, but all the time, no. My W’s new found social life is part of what is causing her to lose the kids (more on that in another post). What can I do from home to accomplish this? I am spending a ton of time with D14 and S8 (which is also pi$$ing my W off. Again, another post), so I’ve got that covered. Not sure what else to do.

So, back to becoming Mr. Personality. . If you stay focused on yourself, instead of what your W is doing/thinking.......your kids win, you win, your future relationships win......and maybe even your M will win. What do you say? Want to give it the ole college try? How about giving it more..........how about giving it your all?
Start by inwardly taking a very long look at yourself. I think you have already seen mistakes you made in your R with your W. You also see where you've narrowed your personal world, considerably.

I’m committed, but I’m not sure what I am doing so far is getting noticed for the most part. As I have said, I have been doing a lot with D14 and S8, which she has noticed in a negative way judging by her comments to D14. I go out occasionally to do my own thing, not telling her what it is I am doing or even that I am going most of the time. Usually it consists of going somewhere to walk or read. Not exactly what you would call interesting, but I am hoping she will think I am doing other things. Sometimes it is during the day on my days off, sometimes after work and occasionally in the evening on my day off. Don’t get me wrong, it is not two or three times per week – usually once a week to once every week and a half. She has only shown that she has noticed once – the first time I put cologne on before I went out. I did not receive a warm reception the next day.

I will tie all of this in to another post tomorrow because I have seen some attitude changes in the past two weeks I want to run by you.

I took a little bit of time off from this board to do just what you suggested – take a long look at myself. I see a lot of my mistakes as well as hers in our M. I’m the same guy she married at heart, but not outwardly. I have lost a lot of myself over the years and quite frankly, am not happy with my life. I’m not talking MLC unhappy, but unhappy in a sense of I have nothing to look forward to that I enjoy doing. My life is work. That’s it. I think if I start by changing that, I will be much more content. Sounds a lot like GAL, doesn’t it? Wonder where I have heard that before…

The H has to mentally place himself in an "observer's" position. As if he is the third person, observing this rebellious, resentful woman who appears to be doing everything she can to hurt and disrespect her H. When he looks at the situation as if he was a detached observer.......he will discover that's how he detaches emotionally.

This has actually started to happen a bit for me, although I am not all of the way there. My conversations with my kids has put my mind at ease quite a bit and I have been able to look at myself and my wellbeing as opposed to theirs. It is a work in progress, but I am starting down that path. I am still experimenting with my interactions with my W (again, more tomorrow), but her actions and reactions are not bothering me nearly as much as they were. I might be wrong, but I think detachment is starting for me finally.

Only, it's a little crazy, b/c even though she doesn't want to be his W......she still expects him to act like her H.

You don’t say? I never noticed…
This part actually drives me the craziest. She still “notifies” me about things that need to be done and expects me to do them, yet she doesn’t do a thing for me.
To be fair though, she has shown a few acts of kindness towards me over the past couple of weeks.

But I want you to start thinking more about how you would respond, if she wasn't your W.

I would have walked away. No questions asked. But, as you said, children complicate things and I do still love her. We have 33 years invested in each other and I can’t see throwing them away without giving our best effort to work things out.