Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[sandi2]

I want to expound a little more on the subject of yesterday's post. First of all, when I make reference to being Mr. Personality, I am not implying that the H should act like a clown. You said you were the laid back type, and your W had the outgoing personality. In this sort of personality dynamic, I wonder if the laid back spouse begins to rely upon the outgoing spouse's personality when meeting new people, going to new events, etc. Do you know what I mean? Perhaps the quiet, laid back H feels that his W's personality will cover for his tendency to withdraw, shy away or not engage as enthusiastically, not appear as friendly or bubbly, or doesn't start up conversations with people he barely knows. Maybe you can answer this for me. My H is the easy going, laid back, quieter spouse, and I am like your W. I was definitely the "dominant" personality. However, without my H losing his own innate characteristics, he has come a long ways. I don't want you to feel as if I am suggesting you change who you are, but see how you might improve. It is so easy to get stuck in a behavior pattern, and it's not always a good one.

There is a ton of self-help reading material about how to improve almost every area in which you may feel you are lacking in interpersonal relationships. As you have stated about the long working hours on the job, and the time invested in finishing your house, you may feel there is no time for more reading. Maybe you could purchase tapes, or some libraries may have them.

Anyway, I'll get to the part you are probably more concerned about, and that is how to act around your WW and the kids. When you are with your WW in the presence of of your children, do not act as if you are shunning their mother. Don't ignore her, but neither should you be totally focused on her. Treat her respectfully........but it doesn't mean you have to stand there as she verbally belittles you, or something of that nature. When you are with your family, your attention will be mainly focused on the kids. If they are not saying much, then you ask open-ended questions to strike up a conversation. Show them eye contact, nod your head, and act as if they are saying something important (whether or not it really is important or interesting to you). Always make sure you have one on one conversations with your kids. Even if it's right before they go to sleep, stop by their room to hear about anything personal/private they don't want to say in front of others. I encourage you to be careful when speaking about your WW. It is not a contest to see which side the kids choose.

If the kids are feeling the strain between you and the WW (and I'm sure they must), try to make plans with them for something fun on your day off work. Yes, you will need to put the house on hold......but your family is more important at the moment. No matter their age or gender, they need time with daddy. Do things as a group, and do things one on one, b/c they need to see they will continue being held together as a family by their father. So, I am telling you that you will need to take the lead in seeing that this happens. Get out your calendar. Get out your computer. Start looking at events and activities that will be coming to your local area that you and the kids would enjoy. If there isn't anything, then put on your thinking cap and make your own fun activities. Think ahead. Summer will be here before you know it. Don't let precious opportunities slip by.

When you are home, you are going to be the coolest guy on the campus. Whether or not you feel comfortable anywhere else, a man's home is his castle and he should feel most comfortable there. Too many H's allow the WW to lead 100% at home. When this goes on for many years, he is not going to change things overnight. In your case, home is also school.....so your W has a lot of control over the kids' use of time and activities. However, when daddy gets home, school should be over. It is time for him to enjoy his family. Although your time may be limited, try your best to think ahead, instead of just arriving home and see what the WW is doing. This is your home and your children, too. Make every day count!

If they are not home and will be late getting back......then work on your house, but try to be home before they go to bed. If no kids around......work on the house building project or leave and GAL. Don't do her work that has been left. Always have plans to do something, and not be left alone and feeling uneasy around your WW. I really, really want to see you cut way back on working on the house. I had some relatives who built their own house, and it took forever. The W told me they nearly D over it. By the time they finished, they looked around and discovered their kids were almost grown and they had lost an emotional connection with them. So, a house is only a building, but the family makes any old place a home.

So, how should you act around your WW if it's just the two of you? I like to use the anology of the checkout clerk. When you go through the checkout line to purchase something, the clerk will usually speak and may even make a little idle conversation. It's just being friendly and curtious, right? How does the customer respond? Does he ask her personal questions? Does he try to sneak a little smooch? Does he get offended if she doesn't show interest in him, asks him about his day, or notice how nice he looks? Does he try to make more of their interaction than what it really is? Does he hang around her checkout counter to see who all comes through her line, and listens to what she says to those customers? Does he wait for her to get off work, so he can talk to her, or follow her to see where she lives? Well, I hope not, b/c he sounds like a psycho.

I want you to interact with your WW as if she's a checkout clerk. At least, as best that you can, under the circumstances. When you see her, smile and speak. It is fine to show a level of friendliness. Remember, you are Mr. Personality. If she is wearing something pretty, it's okay to compliment her. If she is cooking dinner, it's fine too comment about how good it smells, or tastes. Just make short, and don't keep on keeping on. That would be classified as overkill. The other thing to remember with complementing her is not to get too intimate or sexual, since she has OM. IMHO, I would not joke about sex, or imply you want to have sex with her.

In the 37 rules, if you are the one who usually starts conversations with your spouse, then don't initiate conversations, but wait for the spouse to start. The reason I inclueded that rule is b/c many H's would talk too much to their WW. They would try to keep her engaged in conversation (either on the phone or face to face) b/c they saw it as way to get closer or fix the problems, when actually it was pushing her away. Most times, it would lead to a R talk, which needs to be avoided by the LBS. Those H's were too emotionally attached, and the WW sees it as clingy, needy, and unattractive. Most H's I see come to the board, say way too many words when they interact with their WW.......or they think the 37 rules are suggesting they don't say anything at all. The rules were designed to guide newcomers, until the couple has reconciled. If you have any questions about them, please ask me. In the meantime, you can say something to your W, but don't initiate conversations. You know the difference. BTW, if you aren't applying the 37 rules, I encourage you to do so.

Initiating a conversation and speaking, are not the same. So when you go home, you can smile and speak to your W. If she asks direct questions, you can answer her.....but let me throw this in, before I forget. The more vague you are about your GAL details, the more mysterious and interesting you become to her. Women are curious creatures. They want to know details about everything. She doesn't want you knowing about what she does.....but mark my word, when you start going out, she'll expect you to tell her where, when, what, with whom, and when you will be home. However, you don't give her that information. You don't have to lie, in fact I advise that you don't. Just give very vague answers. Like, "I haven't decided. Not sure. I don't know. Probably late, don't wait up". And when you get home, she'll probably ask again, but learn how to give a vague response. Now, I know men can give those type of answers! And I also know that it drives women crazy. Why? B/c those answers don't tell her a thing. So, she becomes curious. Why is he being so mysterious? That interest draws her attention.

When you are not busy enjoying the kids and you find yourself alone with the WW, you should act as if you are in a hurry to keep an appointment. B/c that attitude signals to the other person that you have something else planned to do. For all she knows, you could be walking around the block, going to Walmart, read a book at the library, or whatever. If she tries to talk to you, you are polite (if possible), validate her feelings (if possible), and show by your facial expressions and nodding your head that you are listening and not dismissing her (if she's not being a horse's rear). As long as she is speaking respectfully, you can interact with her in like manner. Just remember, you are Mr. Cool, and you are not going to chase her, kiss her feet, or try to score brownie points with her. You don't have to......b/c you will be just fine, with or without her. She will be the loser if she continues in the direction she's going. In the meantime, you start acting as if you already know that you are the man. You are the winner in your life, and any woman would be lucky to have you.

If she starts in belittling, raising her voice, making snide remarks, or showing some other form of disrespect, what do you do? Hold your hand up in a stop sign motion, and say, "I am not going to listen while you continue speaking disrespectfully. If you can talk respectfully, I will hear what you have to say". If she changes and begins to talk respectfully, then continue to listen. If not, turn around and leave. If she starts a R talk, you can listen, if you want to, but you don't have to respond. You can always tell her that you will think about what she had to say. It buys you time to come to the board, if you aren't sure how to handle things. But while she is talking about past grievances or current ones, don't show your cards. (H's give themselves away by telling the WW too much). If you can validate her feelings, then do so. I am not in favor of saying too many words, when validating. Most H's want to just keep going on and on validating. He loses her, when that's the case. Another thing, I don't think the H should apologize for things he has already apologized for once. I mean, she is filled with resentment, and no amount of apologies will help her. She has to learn how to let go of the resentment. It is a heart condition that apologies do not easily fix.

I am not in favor of the H of a WW telling her he is working on himself. The reason is b/c she already blames him for every negative thing in life! She is not balanced. She does not think logically. She looks for justification for her waywardness. So, if he is telling her how he is working to become better........how do you think she's going to see him then? As if he is a dog licking her feet and trying to please enough for her to pat his head. That is exactly how she will see him! A normal W would be happy to hear her H say those words. But not a WW. She will use his own words against him........and when he does change those old complaints, it makes her mad. Remember, this is not the girl you married. This is a wayward W. Therefore, he does not buy himself more time, nor appreciation, nor sympathy, nor respect from her......by making changes in order to please her. Just keep it to yourself and if she sees the results, great, and if not, that's her loss.

Speaking of loss, you are probably a good man. Most men with the NGS are good ones. I just want to remind you not to feel that you must rescue your WW from the mess she's created. In fact, any mess she's made......she needs to clean up. Allow her face whatever consequences her waywardness brings her way. One of the board's favorite hero's use to suggest saying to the tearful, cheating W, "This is your mess! Don't expect me to clean it up". I think that needs to be applied on other levels, as well. A lot of H's who want to be good to their W, actually end up spoiling her by doing too much of her work, and catering to her, and relenting to whatever she wants. When she is wayward, she stops appreciating what he does for her, and has a sense of entitlement.

I hope you won't misunderstand anything I've said. I am not telling you to "nice" your WW back, b/c it won't work. I am simply trying to give you a picture of how to interact with her. Has any of this helped you? Do you have questions?