My husband is in the throes of a midlife crisis (he’s 51 years old) – it’s 6 months since he informed me of an ongoing affair with a younger girl (it’s been going on for around 9 months now), she is 24 years old. We have been married for 25 years and up until this time we have always faced whatever life threw at us together. In hindsight, over the last year he has done all the common midlife crisis things – anger, going out with a much younger crowd, recently spending money (mostly on his affair partner), drinking etc. After he told me about the affair he moved out and moved his job to another town. He said he was confused and couldn’t choose between us as he cared for us both. I made it clear that I could not be in a relationship with him while he was still in a relationship with the affair partner. Our contact over the last 6 months has been limited and at times very emotional – also he is quite unresponsive and refuses to discuss anything in relation to our marriage. He has rewritten history and says that our marriage has been unhappy for the last year. I honestly don’t recognise the man I see in front of me – he is tearful, anxious, and emotional. He doesn’t want to work on our marriage even though I have told him that I still love him and want our marriage to work; over the last few months he hasn’t shown any commitment to me (his commitment appears to be to his affair partner as he is taking her out for meals etc.). I have deliberately not pressured him into making a choice and don’t ask him anything about his affair but I do know that she has moved her job to the town where my husband is working so I am assuming that it is still in full swing and that they are planning to move in together (into a house we jointly own). Throughout this entire time, I have managed to maintain my dignity and self-respect but it has been really hard and I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions which has affected me physically and mentally. I have read a lot about midlife crisis and am aware that there is no “quick fix” to it. 4 weeks ago, after having a period of “no contact” with him (my choice due to ongoing stress levels and I wanted to give him some space and time), I decided that the only way through this for both of us was to let go of him so he can find his own path forward (and I can find mine). I met with him and explained that because I love and respect him, I need to accept his decision to walk a different path to me and as such I am letting him go so he can be happy and live his life the way he is choosing (but that the door is open for him to return at a later stage if he so wishes). I have asked him to consider buying me out of the own jointly owned home or selling it as I need to buy my own home (also he has had her staying in the house with him so it has been difficult for me to feel comfortable there). Although we have separated he hasn’t yet asked for a divorce (he has never told me that our marriage is over and continues to tell me that he loves me) and I am not planning to ask him for one either as I am still hoping for a reconciliation.
I have learnt a lot about myself over this time and have grown in so many ways – I have a new job which will require me to move a fair distance away from him (I need to get away from everything familiar to gain control), I have done all the practical things like finances, legal advice etc. so I am trying to move forward as much as I can.
What I would like to know from you is
· do you think letting him go was the right thing as I am doubting this decision? ( I guess I fear that he won’t come back)
I am planning to move jobs and accommodation in the next few weeks – I haven’t yet told him that this is what is happening – do you think I should tell him? (He is able to reach me if he wants as he has my phone number)
I guess any other advice/suggestions will be appreciated.
