I reread your initial post and just so many similarities between the exes. The only real differences between our situations are that my son is only 7 and I had absolutely no idea about the alcoholism or addiction.
My ex is high functioning. He is an engineer, went to top schools, literally perfect grades. Goes to work and was supposedly this superstar. He would act like he was the go to person and how he was greatly needed by all for his superior skills. I believe he stayed at the job because they had flex hours and they turned a blind eye to his coming in after 12. He would then work all hours of the night. When i went through his bank statements it showed that he would leave work at 3 in the afternoon and end up in bad neighborhoods withdrawing high amounts of cash. (I heard through the grape vine from a coworker that was a friend of his, that none of the higher ups caught on. They thought he was great)
I had no idea and believed that corporate america was taking advantage of his work ethic and "engineer mind". I was resentful that he would sleep all morning and then work all night because it meant he had no time for me or to help with house work and son.
He would never wake up in the mornings. With tons of alarms blaring. He even missed picking up our son a few times from preschool at 12 while I was at work. Then on weekends I would wait around for him to wake up and once he did, he would disappear on a mysterious errands. He never came home for dinners (supposedly because of traffic patterns and going to the gym). He never had money. He never had compassion for the things I was going through miscarriages, cancer, any illness because it meant I would need his help with son. He initially had problems with sexual completion (i later found out this is a common problem among opiate addicts) and then later with ED. He would complain about how we never had sex, but whenever we tried he couldnt perform. He was always running out to buy immodium. I thought that this was due to IBS. Later found out immodium has Loperamide which helps with opiate withdrawals.
When he was preparing to leave ,he talked about how bad i was and his marriage was to his mother and coworkers and friends. But of course it was bad. I was reacting to absolutely crazy behaviors. He made it out like I was needy and controlling and constantly criticizing him. How I did nothing for him. How I didnt even do his laundry (he never wanted me to because he liked it done a certain way) Everyone believed it, even me.
He said something very similar to me that your ex said to you. How our marriage could not work because we wanted different things that we couldnt give each other. Something about How I wanted affection and intimacy and he wanted someone that would either work full time or be a super house wife. That I was not ambitious enough for him(i am a part time physiotherapist and son is special needs)
It was at the point where I found about 18 hidden bottles of empty Jack Daniels in his desk. When I showed the marriage counselor she said "he was drinking to mask the pain from our marriage" That she did not think he had a real problem, When I showed his mom she said "he liked to collect bottles". (at that point I did not have the years of his credit card or bank statements)Even when I went to his mom with proof that his spending problems indicated a pain pill issue, she did not want to hear it. He lives with her now and she believes that he cannot afford anything because of child support.
He is well dressed, comes across to others as humble and quiet and polite. As a bit nerdy and all american. As a kind father that comes every other weekend and pays his child support on time. And on top of things (he is when it comes to money) but he has depleted his IRA, had tons of unexplained credit card debt)I have to keep on top of him for paying his share of extracurricular and medical expenses.
Im sorry this is so lengthy and I do not want to hijack. But I do want to point out all the signs I experienced of living with a high functioning addict. Because when I read some of yours, It just hit home and made me feel less crazy.
When they are high functioning, its so easy to be gaslighted. It is so so damaging. I think worse. Because we lose our sense of reality. They are not the typical addicts you see on TV. My ex can be quite charming.
Vanilla has some great posts on my thread that were helpful.
