[KGuy]

Helena,

It always helps me to read other people's situations as i can usually find something very useful to my situation buried in someone else's story. On this site, I've read that typically the "Wayward (WW)" or "Walk away Wife" (WAW) commits affairs whether they are emotional or physical (EA or PA) after a build-up of resentment of things that happened during the marriage. Your story sounds similar except that it doesn't seem that you are fully checked out of the relationship as most of the WW or WAW are.

This is a good sign and i agree with everyone else that he may be saying he isn't willing to risk his heart, but i would think he would if given a glimmer of hope. Read the LBS thread in Cadets set of links in its entirety to get the perspective of the LBS. In effect, i would thing your H feels as if you fall in the category of an Affair somewhat or at least very inappropriate behavior and is incredibly hurt that you would seek uot another. Especially in light of the fact that he told you how much it hurt the other time.

Anyway, getting back to the thread, some of the guidelines for the LBS to take back the WW are also listed in that thread and although some do not seem to apply to you the one where him to see true remorse would apply. Otherwise from his perspective he would feel the behavior would continue. It did actually, did't it? Some more experienced people on here than i can probably tie that into stories they've read. Anyway, have you shown him the your truly are remorseful of the situation?

Have you and your H gone to any counseling? I don't think i saw any mention of that in this thread, i have yet read your other thread. If not, perhaps suggest counseling. If you two are going to be living in a partnership, yet not fully married, then you could use that as an excuse for the counseling to help you two work on what that would look like. Be sure you pick a counselor that is pro-marriage and i think they would try to steer you together if given the opportunity.

In effect, he is detaching from you because he is hurt. You will need to detach as well, but don't let it come off as mysterious because then he may think you may be in another Affair.

I would suggest the following:
1) Try to stay together, at first a year, then longer if possible. Use the time to keep improving yourself. Self help books, IC, whatever
2) try and get him into MC. In my case, when we were working on things, i found that the W wasn't hearing what i said and the MC served as a bridge between us (a translator of sorts)
3) don't worry about the porn. Most guys watch it sometimes, although usually less when they are more active with their partner. If you really are concerned about that, then make you the fantasy instead. Instigate intimacy more. Most porn involves a aggressive woman making all the moves. Perhaps even watch a little of what you found and discuss it with him without criticizing him. ho knows, he may express some things you both might agree to use to spice things up.

Just my opinion of course. I envy your position, it has so much more hope of a reconciliation that the majority of stories on here.