Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[sandi2]

I had a little catching up to do on your thread. Am I right in saying your plan of action is to focus on becoming a much better version of yourself, and that you intend to hold off confronting her at this time? If I am mistaken, then tell me.

I think it would be good for you to try and connect with old buddies. At least, that's a start. We have seen many H's like you who get a family of their own and that becomes their entire world. It sounds very pretty when the words are said, to think a man is so wrapped up in his W and kids that he's not really concerned or interested in anything else. However, the reality is that the man begins to lose a bit of himself. He slowly loses the guy he once was..........and his W no longer sees the man she fell in love with. So, I encourage you to expand your world and reach out to people who were once good friends.

While touching on the FB and reaching out, I do want to caution about a couple of concerns. Many new relationships have started by connecting with old sweethearts. In some cases, they were just friends, and then one admit that they had a secret crush on the other.....way back in the day. You probably know where I am going with this. We have seen that happen, too. The man and woman catch up about where they currently are in life, and usually one of them are having MR troubles or have recently divorced. Don't take this as an insult when I suggest you will be emotionally vulnerable to another female showing interest in you. It's natural, when your ego is suffering due to your spouse's rejection and turning to another person. So, I hope you will stick to male friends.......and should an old sweetheart make the moves on you.......run like heck!

In answering your question whether or not to ask your W to be friends on FB.......my suggestion is to wait on her. She will either send you a request, or she'll say something in person about why haven't you friended her. Your answer could be something like, "I didn't know you cared, but whatever is fine with me".......not smart a$$ way, but rather nonchalantly. You are going to change from Mr. Uptight to Mr. Cool.

Speaking of old friends, think back to your high school years. Was there a guy that could have won nearly everything in the Who's Who of the school's yearbook........especially Mr. Personality? Everyone loved being around him. He made people feel good, just b/c they enjoyed his personality. He was fun. He never acted as if he was better than you. He was always warm and friendly, without getting too personal or pushy, know what I mean? He was not self-centered, and didn't try to be the center of everyone's attention......however, if he found himself being as such, he didn't shy away. He was never boring, but he knew when to be still and listen to others. He was always busy. He always.....ALWAYS had a full calendar of activities, events, special dates, etc. Not only was he fun, but he was interesting. He loved life, and people loved being with him. He was the kind of guy all the other boys wanted for a friend, and the girls wanted for a boyfriend. Does that ring any bells with you? I remember some guys that fit that description. Oh, and another I remember, these cool guys were never anyone's doormat.

I wrote that paragraph b/c I want you to see yourself as being that kind of man. Before you can set goals about how you want to improve yourself, you need to have a mind picture of it. Do you agree? Some people might argue and say, "Well, that's not me". Really, what part? If you aren't sure about some part, let's talk about it. I am hoping I can help give you a picture of how to interact with your W, and how to act at home with the family. Needless to say, I can't do it in one post.

Let me warn you that your W may not react to your changes the way you might think. Some WW's get pi$$ed when the H waits until she is checked out before he decides to change. But the secret is in being consistent, and doing them b/c you are determined to be the best YOU on the planet. If you have any other reason for changing for the better version....you'll stop once you get what you wanted. Some men come back to the board a second time and say, "I didn't stick to the changes". They did the changes only long enough to get the W back. Then they got comfortable/lazy and found themselves right back in the same shape again.

So, back to becoming Mr. Personality. . If you stay focused on yourself, instead of what your W is doing/thinking.......your kids win, you win, your future relationships win......and maybe even your M will win. What do you say? Want to give it the ole college try? How about giving it more..........how about giving it your all?

Start by inwardly taking a very long look at yourself. I think you have already seen mistakes you made in your R with your W. You also see where you've narrowed your personal world, considerably. As has been mentioned, you won't be able to suddenly do all the things she complained about, and expect her to melt in your arms. That's one of the differences I see in a WW and WAW. When a W has left the MR due to her H being abusive, or engaged in some type of dangerous/unhealthy activity, or being imprisoned, or has physically abandoned his family, etc..........then that H could definitely make changes to prove to her she would be safe in trusting him again. But with a wayward W, she is emotionally divorced from her H, and her outrageous resentment and disrespect toward him actually act as roadblocks. It prevents her from responding positively to his earnest attempts to fix her old complaints. It would be easier if he could become attentive, buy her flowers and take her out, help with the housework, compliment her, spend more time with her...........or whatever it took to fix her complaints. But you see, she no longer has the mindset of that W in the past. This is no longer is truely about her complaints (although she will stick by them as her excuse to end the MR), this is currently about her waywardness. She is filled with anger and disrespect for you, and now she is rebelling against you and the MR. I don't think some guys really get just how bad their WW really disrespect them. That disrespect ruins her loving feelings for him. So, what is a H to do? He has to mentally go back and find the man he was before they ever got together. In a lot of cases, he has to improve upon even that guy, b/c now he is older. So, acting as if he was still in high school, wouldn't look too great on a mature man.......but he can take that foundation of who that guy was and go from there. Does that make sense?

Instead of focusing on what pleases your WW, you need to focus on your values, principles, integrity, belief system, and personal boundaries. When a H find himself in a sitch like yours, he can become so distracted by his WW's actions, until he loses all prespective. He just wants her to like him and stop being mad. Too many have overlooked or forgotten about their own self-worth, compromised their integrity, and sacrificed their foundational beliefs..... in order to please their WW. It does not get her love back. The H has to mentally place himself in an "observer's" position. As if he is the third person, observing this rebellious, resentful woman who appears to be doing everything she can to hurt and disrespect her H. When he looks at the situation as if he was a detached observer.......he will discover that's how he detaches emotionally. Does that mean he stops loving her? No. Does he means he turns into an unemotional zombie? Of course not! It means he does not allow his emotions to dictate his actions. He can think more clearly, and a lot smarter! Just as I can read about your sitch and feel true concern for your MR........I can do it without emotional attachment clouding my abilities. Make sense?

When the H is able to take the position of an observer and stop reacting to what his emotions dictate, then he can remember something else. He can remember how he would have interacted with a woman who would have treated in a similar way his WW is doing currently. You may say, "But wait Sandi, b/c it's different when it's your W". Is it? Okay, then the H might not get as crude and disrespectful as he would to a female who was treating him like sh't and wasn't his W. Like I said, she has emotionally divorced herself as his W. Only, it's a little crazy, b/c even though she doesn't want to be his W......she still expects him to act like her H. But, I'll try to touch on that subject another time. I realize when you have children involved, it's a little more complicated, than if you were just casually dating....and walk away from the R whenever you wanted. But I want you to start thinking more about how you would respond, if she wasn't your W.....to give you a balanced mental picture. This is just a practice. It's not to get you to become cold-hearted or an uncaring person. Some like to say it's like loving your WW from a distance. Not a physical distance, but in the sense of not being emotionally attached. It doesn't send you spinning when she says some off the wall nonsense. You don't spiral when she threatens something new. You remain calm, in charge, and in command of your actions.

Well, this is way too long, and I will try to get back to it tomorrow. If you can't follow a thing I've said, let me know.