Not sure what to do. . .can anyone help?

[mbe76]

Not sure on how to do the whole quote things sorry

Refresh my memory, please. Is the OM married, with children? Does he have extended family members who attend the same church? Do you & W have extended family members attending the same church?

The OM is divorced, the Church is one parish with 6 churches- OM and his dad normally go another church. W family have stopped going as I am there.


Do you feel you can live like this for two more years? Is this suppose to be some type of in-house separation......or is it that you'll just be sleeping in separate beds? Maybe I missed something[/quote]

At the moment the children do not *outwardly* sense anything- when she first left they did. . .at the moment I think she views it as separation but it is not an "in house separation" in the normal sense- I am sleeping in a separate room downstairs and it is giving me and her some space.



Even if the status was not clarified, verbally, the fact you told her things had to end with OM should have made it known that you would not live with her if she continued the A. I think you did a good job there.


She said she would do it tomorrow. So, is that her agreeing to end the A? Not that you can believe anything she says, so be prepared to enforce it. BTW, I like that, "Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing" [quote]
She says she is just messaging him, but she did admit that she still loves him, and I think that it was a lie to say she would stop messaging him. With regard to enforcement, I am kind of stuck as if I leave it will disadvantage me in terms of any outcome and I don't think I should be the one leaving the MH. So I am not sure on what else I can do other than hope the OM situation runs it's course- what else can I do?

Well to be very blunt........how it makes you feel is not her priority of concerns, ATM. She is addicted to the affair. Do you get that? She is addicted to those text messages coming from OM. Those text messages are like a drug "fix" for her. So naturally, if you try to throw a wrench into it, she is going to react badly.

From what you've reported, it seems you are doing a good job at GAL, and maybe at 180's, (can you be more specific about what your 180's are), but at any rate, you are really trying, so I think overall you are doing pretty good.

180's are:
I am not messaging her all the time like I used to.
I would always initiate conversations- I don't do that anymore.
I am not telling her my thoughts or feelings in an open manner
I am not asking her permission for things.
We would normally have a meal with each other- but as I am also on a diet- I do not sit down for a meal with her anymore.
It is hard sometimes not to want to message her especially about the children etc.

I see you trying to be honest, respectful, and calmly, yet firmly, interacting with her during the conversation. I think you did well. I am a little confused about the status of the M. You were discussing your boundary about her not disrespecting you in front of the children. My question is, when you told her no contact with the OM.......was this your boundary? I gather that it was. So, when she was not ready for you to see her phone, you later thought it over and decided you should not take away her phone? Can you clear this up for me?

Yes it was a condition of us being open to the idea of taking one day at a time- that is when I said that if we were to work thing out one day we would need that honesty and no more secrets. I handed the phone back the following day as I realised my reaction was borne out of emotion not rational thought.

FWIW, whenever you state a boundary, an agreement from the other person is not required. You seem to go to great lengths at explaining your boundary. As someone has already said, a boundary is not negotiable. Of course, it is much nicer when the other person cooperates and honors your boundary, but when the other person happens to be your wayward W........it usually means you will have to enforce that boundary.

If you decide taking away her phone is not what you should do, then do you plan to look at her messages? Of course, you know she will delete anything that incriminates her. So, how do you intend to enforce this boundary that she ends things with OM? I'm not trying to confuse you, but I am the one confused here.

I don't plan to look at her messages, I don't think that will serve any purpose other than to feed my little green jealous gremlin inside, and I don't think it would serve any purpose. I am hoping that guilt will become too much and she will eventually make the decision for herself. I keep repeating- I cannot control her- so let her come to her own decision- it is just that while she continues to message him, I am in limbo.

BTW, when she started screaming and calling you a bully, what did you do?

I said I am hurt by your secrets, and I feel calling me a bully is unfair, so I am walking away" and I did, I was calm and never raised my voice.

I find it interesting that she accuses you of the very things she is doing. She accuses you of having an A, and she accuses you of bullying. She is guilty of doing both.

In a strange way, it gives me hope that she is in conflict, she cannot rationalise her behaviour right now.