Definitely will have to get DR and the book on boundaries.
Quick update: I returned from my weekend away and he almost immediately started talking about things that happened at his work... even though we’ve discussed that I don’t want to hear about his work. Things seemed a little strained, and even more so when we got home and I could see the house and cats were not really taken care of... the cats didn’t have any water, but he swore he filled it that morning.. and he said he cleaned up on Saturday, but didn’t mop.. so you could see foot and paw prints all over the floors. I said I didn’t want to fight, but said the house was dirty and was a little annoyed. He got super defensive and said it was my turn to clean, but I had left. So I started to clean... which annoyed him because he had “already done it”. I just said I don’t want to spend the work week living like this, so I’ll clean it since it was my turn. He apologized for his reaction and said he just wanted things to be good and that he had missed me. I just said if he wanted things to be good he didn’t have to get so defensive. The next few days were good. No other issues. He asked to go out for lunch yesterday, but I was busy so said no. He mentioned about going on a date on Friday, but I won’t get my hopes up. He’s been quiet about the OW so this morning I asked how their conversations were. He said they were fine. So I asked to see some emails/chats. He stared at me for like a minute before pulling out his phone and showing me some. For the most part he would initiate about work, and she would either send him the file or answer his question. Which was a relief. He said he wasn’t screwing this up, and then went to the car. In the car I said it was good, and that I was glad she was learning her lesson. He got a bit defensive of this..... and I said to stop. That him defending her was an issue. So he said he wasn’t. He said things had been fine and I didn’t need to bring her up or make passive aggressive comments. I was taken aback and said that I wasn’t making passive aggressive comments, and that he couldn’t just hide her and pretend like this didn’t affect our marriage. He said he’s not hiding anything, and that it’s something I need to get over. I said why would I get over it if I’m still worried and still in the middle of it? That I hadn’t forgiven him for anything yet and that he’s still expected to be open and honest about it, especially if he wants me to “get over it”. I told him he’s just blaming me for his own guilt and actions and that he needs to stop. He said he doesn’t know why I start these fights... I said I was asking a question, you’re the one who gets defensive and causes a fight. He said he’ll try to not get defensive.. and that he’s sorry, and just wants things to be good. We left it at that.. I’m going to see a counsellor tonight to talk about things and I think it irritates him that I’m going to say my side and not take all the blame that he’s trying to push onto me.
