[HelenaJ]

So I’m thinking about leaving....I saw a thread named that but most advice says to start out in the newcomers section. My H and I have had our fair share of issues in the past and it seems they’ve all come back to haunt...plus some. I am 43 and have been with H since I was 17. We have 4 wonderful kids together and we truly have a wonderful family. My H and I battled early on with clear cut control issues down to the clothes I wore, the gum I chewed and the music I listened to. We also battled some pretty severe alcoholism issues with him and a pornography sidekick habit. I was at a very low point in our marriage when our first two kids were very young, 3 and 5. H was out of town M-TH every week and home on weekends...I craved to feel like a couple on occasion when he was home but reconnecting with the kids was always a priority and Indidnpretty good with understanding that, just wanted to hear that he at least *wished* we could spend some alone time together. But when I would try to tell him how lonely I was or that I at least needed to hear him say he wished we had time together, he would sit silent on the phone as I cried in frustration. Once when we went to visit him, I found porn on his computer when I went to send an email for work from his computer...I started to pull attention getting tactics, going out without him, drinking more. My brother was in a band so I’d go watch him play. Then one of the guys in his band decided he had a crush on me and would pay lots of attention to me when I’d show up. I laughed it off at first, this guy was not my type, missing teeth, etc. but the attention felt so good. We spent time together about 5 times, no more than 30 mins if that, but I let him kiss me, I kissed him back on those 5 or so ocassions. I told my H about it and expected we would divorce bc I really didn’t think he cared all that much but all hell broke loose and I discovered he really did care and the next 4 years were were me trying to make up for what I had done. This was 14 years ago from where we are today. We built a house, had two more children. Then something happened 4 years ago....a company party where I drank too much, lost track of time and spent about 2 hours talking to a male cowrorker about the buyout that was currently happening in the company. It was not romantic but evidently appeared that I ditched my husband to talk to this guy all night. I didn’t even realize how much time had passed...until I realized I hadn’t seen my husband in a while and realized he had left me there. We suffered a great deal from that incident, brought the past back and he’s just recently told me that he’ll never trust me with his heart again. He says we should stay a family to raise the kids but we’ll never be a couple again. I know I can’t live like that but to do anything other than that is going to be a battle I don’t even know if I can wager. I guess I could use some outside perspective and some help getting through this, one way or the other.

[Cadet]

Here is your thread from infidelity

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...233#Post2545233

You posted this 3 years ago.

Did you read the links in my welcome post?

[Gordie]

Helena,

I had to reply to your post because I think with some changes in details my w could have written a post like this. I am really impressed at how balanced your perspective is. It seems like you see both his contributions to the breakdown of your m as well as your own.

One hurting man’s perspective:

Your h probably doesn’t think what he did in the m was that bad. He probably sees himself as a good h and father. He provided. He is an active and engaged father. Yes, maybe he drank too much. And don’t most guys look at porn? No, he wasn’t as connected as those romantic dating days, but you’ve been together for 20+ years and those things fade and that’s okay.

Your h thinks you crossed the line with the band mate. It crushed his soul. It made him feel unloved and abandoned and inadequate. You are going to risk your m to good guy, steady h for the toothless dude who doesn’t have a real job? Somehow. He worked through that and kind of forgave you and was willing to put that aside to keep the family together. And then the office party? You talked to joe in accounting for two hours and acted like a teenage girl at a Justin Bieber concert who just “lost track of time.” Give me a freaking break. You were in such a romantic fog you didn’t even notice when I left. Everyone noticed and I was totally and utterly embarrassed and humiliated. I am angry as heck and you act like this is no big deal...which makes it worse! Well, this time I am done. Done. Done.

***

Can your m recover from this? Well, it doesn’t look like it today and you can’t predict the future. But I believe anything is possible which is why I hang around here. Post more and maybe we can help.

[SteveLW]

Helena, welcome to the forum. We tend to be pretty pro-marriage here so you will probably get a lot of advice along the lines of sticking it out. You got to recovery once before, what makes you think you won't be able to again? Building a house, having 2 more kids are huge steps following the initial indiscretions in your marriage.

"He says we should stay a family to raise the kids but we’ll never be a couple again. I know I can’t live like that but to do anything other than that is going to be a battle I don’t even know if I can wager. I guess I could use some outside perspective and some help getting through this, one way or the other."

My outside perspective? Obstinate spouses RARELY say the truth. He may be feeling that he can never trust you again, but I say hogwash to that. Trust CAN be rebuilt. Heck, your story already gave an account of trust being rebuilt. Your H is just hurt and talking from an emotional place.

Think about it logically:

You were able to regain his trust after meeting with and kissing (which is VERY intimate, some would say even more intimate than sex!) an OM. Yet he can't rebuild trust with you over a 2 hour business conversation where he was present, or at least you thought he was present, in the same room? That doesn't make sense.

So read Cadet's links. Implement some 180s. Detach and give it some time. I think your issues are all surmountable. And your family will benefit greatly from you moving forward and having your MR new and improved!

[HelenaJ]

Thank you for your perspective, it’s probably pretty accurate. I don’t think that the office party was no big deal. I know it was. I have not gone to any voluntary company events since then and have not drank even one drink at the mandatory ones that I attended (one was my 5 year service award so I had to be there and the other was my going away party when I left the company). I have also said I could care less about even speaking to another guy...I’m totally willing to self regulate that. But I will also say I’m really struggling with the his willingness to throw away our marriage because of that, especially bc I have accepted responsibility as willing to make changes and have told him repeatedly how sorry I am and that it was not intentional nor romantic.
At this point my heart is so broken I don’t know if I have it in me anymore to keep trying. I don’t even know if it’s healthy for me....I’m a mess and I don’t know how to function like this. We have not had a normal relationship for about 6 months now, extremely limited interactions as I’ve drifted farther and farther away from him as he’s told me bits and pieces of things that have made me feel completely hopeless. He says we can have a happy family but he will never give me his heart again. I’m so very close to throwing in the towel. I could not live like that forever...but I might be able to do it for another year. How do you think he would react to me saying I can’t live like that forever but that I’ll try for another year?

[SteveLW]

I wouldn't tell him that. Just do it. And be the wife only an idiot would leave!

[NicoleR]

Helena, it would be great if you and your husband can stay together for your kids, to have stability, and to have hope for the future. Perhaps if you do your part to earn your husband's trust over a long period of time you two can be a couple again. You have the gift of time because you and your husband are still together. Another year would be great. A lot of healing could happen during that time. I hope you check a wide range of marriage support resources and use their methods and hopefully you'll see results in the coming year!

[HelenaJ]

Thanks for the welcome Steve. I tend to agree that a lot of times people say things they don’t mean. My husband though, he’s not like most people. He’s got a very unique personality and when he says things, he doesn’t usually change his mind. I don’t even know how we worked through the OM situation, he never forgave me that much I know. I guess he just decided to move past it. It was a MISERABLE 4 years and I don’t know how I survived it...I feel like I have PTSD or something and the thought of going back to that life is so terrifying. I can’t say much to him about my feelings or he says I’m justifying (even though I’m sooo careful not to word anything that makes it sound that way), that I’m trying to play the victim, etc. I know he’s hurt and talking from an emotional place but it’s not like this happened yesterday. If, after 4 years, he’s still saying he’ll never trust me again, at what point do I believe him?
I definitely do not want a divorce. But I also know I can’t live like we’ve been living. I’m so unbelievably torn....and this sort of is a 180 for me by the way. I’m usually the pursuer bc I hate it when he’s mad at me. There has just been a series of events over the last year and a half where he made choices to not be there for me emotionally bc he says I can’t have an ideal husband and a fairy tale marriage after what I’ve done. This has all just had an immense impact on my outlook and I just can’t help but wonder if anything will ever be enough. When we went through this before, I served him with divorce papers at one point and honestly that may have been the only reason he eventually stopped the things he was doing. I don’t know and he would never admit it if that was truly the case.

[HelenaJ]

I am not saying there are not places I could improve in terms of being a wife but I feel like I’ve worked hard in becoming that person already. I just don’t know if it will ever be enough to make up for things I can’t change (things that caused trust issues). I’ve always loved him, never for even a second have I doubted that. I’ve always just wanted him....his unavailability and what I perceived as his not caring about me as much as I cared about him were the issues that made me vulnerable, not ever bc I wasn’t sure I still loved him or still wanted to be with him. I’m very successful with my career and make very good money while still maintaining a healthy work/life balance, I’m extremely devoted to our children as is he and we have them involved in a lot of sports and things and we never miss anything, he even attends practices for our teenagers. I could argue perhaps that things are too much about our kids in fact but that’s for another day. I made a decision a long time ago to never turn him down in the bedroom as I used to do that and it caused some issues. I don’t know. I can’t believe this work thing even happened. I literally felt like I was in a dream. I felt like I went to sleep and woke up and my life had fallen apart. I would NEVER do anything that could be construed as cheating ever again, I had no idea the deep and lasting impacts it would have. I never ever saw myself being back in this position bc I knew I would never do something like that again. And yet here I am.

[HelenaJ]

Thank you for reposting, I am pretty sure I did not read all of them but I will go back and look again.