[HelenaJ]

So I’m thinking about leaving....I saw a thread named that but most advice says to start out in the newcomers section. My H and I have had our fair share of issues in the past and it seems they’ve all come back to haunt...plus some. I am 43 and have been with H since I was 17. We have 4 wonderful kids together and we truly have a wonderful family. My H and I battled early on with clear cut control issues down to the clothes I wore, the gum I chewed and the music I listened to. We also battled some pretty severe alcoholism issues with him and a pornography sidekick habit. I was at a very low point in our marriage when our first two kids were very young, 3 and 5. H was out of town M-TH every week and home on weekends...I craved to feel like a couple on occasion when he was home but reconnecting with the kids was always a priority and Indidnpretty good with understanding that, just wanted to hear that he at least *wished* we could spend some alone time together. But when I would try to tell him how lonely I was or that I at least needed to hear him say he wished we had time together, he would sit silent on the phone as I cried in frustration. Once when we went to visit him, I found porn on his computer when I went to send an email for work from his computer...I started to pull attention getting tactics, going out without him, drinking more. My brother was in a band so I’d go watch him play. Then one of the guys in his band decided he had a crush on me and would pay lots of attention to me when I’d show up. I laughed it off at first, this guy was not my type, missing teeth, etc. but the attention felt so good. We spent time together about 5 times, no more than 30 mins if that, but I let him kiss me, I kissed him back on those 5 or so ocassions. I told my H about it and expected we would divorce bc I really didn’t think he cared all that much but all hell broke loose and I discovered he really did care and the next 4 years were were me trying to make up for what I had done. This was 14 years ago from where we are today. We built a house, had two more children. Then something happened 4 years ago....a company party where I drank too much, lost track of time and spent about 2 hours talking to a male cowrorker about the buyout that was currently happening in the company. It was not romantic but evidently appeared that I ditched my husband to talk to this guy all night. I didn’t even realize how much time had passed...until I realized I hadn’t seen my husband in a while and realized he had left me there. We suffered a great deal from that incident, brought the past back and he’s just recently told me that he’ll never trust me with his heart again. He says we should stay a family to raise the kids but we’ll never be a couple again. I know I can’t live like that but to do anything other than that is going to be a battle I don’t even know if I can wager. I guess I could use some outside perspective and some help getting through this, one way or the other.