Make sure you have a note of those two numbers for future reference.
And stop discussing R, it won't help you.
If you require time for you get a babysitter or relative to help. Get your stuff together and go GAL.
Your feelings of rejection etc are your feelings to handle and I think IC to discuss why your WW behaviour triggers these feelings in you.
Just as you have no control over her feelings, she has none over yours. She can't resolve your stuff for you.
So just as Ju says much of your sitch is as it is, you are in charge of you, your reactions, your feelings and your behaviour. The fear of abandonment and abdication of you to another is your responsibility.
It's time to decide who you are and what you need. Time to shift to be in charge of yourself.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks a lot jujub. This is exactly what I think and it makes all the sense of the world. She got used to the cake eating and now she’s going to couples counseling just to keep an appearance that she’s working on the marriage but she still denies the affair what for me means she’s not willing to give up the affair. She wants the confortable family life that I give to her and the thrill of the illicit relationship. She’s been having it for almost 2 years because I was in denial but now I’m not in denial and all I’m realizing is that I have been micro managed to the point that she starts to work at 11 am and me at 7 am. She drops the kid t school at 8 am and then she has from 8 to 11 am free time that is never accounted for. I get home after picking up the kid at daycare and get home at 4 to cook and take care of the kid because she works until almost 8pm. And when she gets home she’s always tired, always a headache, belly ache, back ache, etc and the only intimacy is on Saturday morning, half sleep quickie with bad breath included and that’s about it. Then the week starts again... I feel worn out because I would like to pursue a hobby or something and I can’t because I have to take care of the kid most of the day and when she gets home I’m too tired and is too late to go anywhere. Is frustrating and today at couples counseling I’m going to drop the bomb and I will leave on Friday. I can’t take this anymore
It's completely up to you if you decide to leave. But you've been at this, what, a week? And not even with a joint counselling session? Personally, I think you're pulling the plug too soon.
This is a marathon, not a sprint.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I understand jim1234 but I can’t continue allowing the cake eating. If you see my point about being micromanaged and if you see that I have almost no time for GAL. All the conditions are perfect for her to continue the cake eating. If I separate everything crumbles because she will lose all the support she gets from me financially and personally with the help with the kid and home chores because she barely does stuff at home. Now she will have to deal with reality. Now either she moves with her lover or she realizes the hardships she’s about to get. But me being the nice guy doing everything while she’s having fun is not a very though stanc on my part; therefore, I will never earn her respect back again. Right now is about me, right now is me saying that I’m a valuable human being, I’m A good father and a responsible partner and I’m not taking it any longer. If she wants to save the marriage first sh needs to commit and end the affair. If that doesn’t happen then I’m moving away until she decides to work on the marriage or just file. I’m not pulling the plug I’m standing up for myself because what she’s doing is emotional abuse plain and simple and vilifying me to keep justifying her bad behavior
3yearsf, it doesnt sound like your wife has that easy of a schedule either. Its not like she is sitting around eating bon bons. She works and shares in child.raising activities.
I think the tit for tat regarding chores and child rearing is not healthy for anyone. Especially your son. They sense this. If that is your issue, it easily workable. But if the issue is an active affair, lying, and gaslighting not so much.
I’m not vilifying her at all but I can’t just sit and relax like nothing is happening. She’s just trying to keep an appearance and it has become obvious that she’s not really into saving the marriage but saving herself. She shows no remorse, no empathy and contrary seems like she feels entitled. I been improving myself a lot and honestly I’m to the point that I don’t even care anymore if she’s having an affair but I care about my son, my money and my time because if she wants to Have her affair fine, I can’t force to be with me; however, I can remove myself from the equation, I can have a separate account and take care of myself and my son. Right now I’m pretty much trapped on the responsibilities and I have no time for nothing what is working on her behalf not mine. Removing myself from this mess is the only way I see I can pull through this without getting worse of my PTSD. I’m not pulling the plug because I’m open to save the marriage just not on her terms, not like this.
With all the respect vanilla but I am taking care of myself and I’m absolutely aware that the only I can control is myself. I’m facing the dilemma of a wife that is telling me, her family and our therapist that she wants to work on the marriage and saving the marriage but she’s absolutely disconnected and checked out of the marriage with the exact same attitude and blocking my access to my time to GAL because I must take care of the kid. Unfortunately not all have the budget to afford babysitting so I can have some kind of life. And I am doing my internal work hence I’m here on this website. I don’t know what she needs to do, but I know what I need to do and is searching for insight. I’m really sorry if you had a bad experience and I recognize that when everything was boiling with my wife I said very harsh things that I’m ashamed of, and it takes courage to recognize a mistake like that. The fact that I’m a man doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings or I don’t feel neglected, financially cheated. I’m not justifying saying harsh stuff but I guess we all have emotions and sometimes we have no control over it and PTSD makes this very challenging. I am working a lot on this and the therapy was very constructive because I was able to listen and she was able to listen. And I explained her that I love her but she needs to commit to do her Part because I cannot continue living in limbo. I need peace, I am committed. It’s still long road ahead recovery but at least I was able to get on the same page.
