New LBS, not sure if he's having LMC

[Accuray]

Meg,

So sorry for what you're going through here.

He's been thinking about the future, how we're so opposite, until know we've had kids as diversion, but as we get older less diversions, how will that oppositeness bring us together? I told him just because we individually don't chose a particulare activity, we do it for the ones we love because we love that person. He seems to think we have to WANT to do the same things, rather than doing them because we love each other.

This is *very* common WAS behavior. They'll start looking at personality match articles, astrological sign compatibility charts, and will bring to light any evidence they can find that you are not meant to be together.

Everyone is "so opposite" in some ways and "so the same" in other ways. It depends what you focus on.

That said, look what happened: H staked out a position that you two are incompatible.

You took the bait and argued with him, or tried to convince him that you are not incompatible.

That set you up as adversaries -- H was claiming "X!" and you were saying "No! Not X!"

That feeling of being opposed to you is what's going to reinforce H's need for more space.

If you said "I'm sorry you feel that way, I wonder what's on TV tonight?"

or "Oh yeah, the ways in which we're incompatible has always been a challenge"

The conversation has no where to go, and you're not staking yourself out as his adversary.

There's a strategy sometimes discussed here called "relationship Judo". In Judo, you lean in and use the attacker's momentum against them, versus trying to resist their momentum.

In relationship Judo, if someone wants a little space, you give them even more space. If they claim you're incompatible, you agree and give an example of how you're incompatible. etc. It diffuses their momentum and makes it feel like you're on the same team. Remember that the feelings matter much more than the words.

Try to take a vacation from what H is doing, thinking, planning, plotting. Pretend he's someone you barely know, who cares where he's going.

Now what are you going to do for you? What's important to you about the life you want to live? Do that.

Acc