Just in case anyone's wondering why I haven't started putting the PM concepts into practice yet, well, it's a matter of logistics. Of course, since last Saturday, I've been spending most of my time reading the book, and digesting its contents. I decided fairly early on that I wanted to read the whole book before actually doing anything, and I think that was a wise choice. Each evening as I read more, I understand more, and a beginning strategy that seemed to make sense just the day before then seems less so, or I can see a better one. Also, I want to have as many tools as possible at my disposal so I can move forward more easily if things don't go smoothly (and why would I expect them to?). In fact, if things go too smoothly, I'll assume I'm not implementing enough, or not confronting myself properly.
Another part of the logistical equation has to do with our schedules. Last night and again tonight, W has to bring DD20 to an exam. She waits there, because the trip is long enough that it wouldn't make sense to come home. They have to leave by 6:00 pm, so between getting home from work and then is a mad dash to get supper done and get them on their way. Last night they got home about 10:15, and tonight might be the same, so there's no time to get into anything. In order to put these things to the test, I kind of need W to be there. Tomorrow night also we have things going on. Friday night seems like the earliest possible time to begin.
However, the interesting thing for me is that I'm not agonizing over this, and I'm not feeling "under the gun" to get things going. I'm not feeling pressure. It's more like a feeling of freedom - freedom to explore different options and solutions, freedom to prepare, and a watchful alertness to what's going on inside me. I'm also noticing some interesting differences in my approach to things. Last week, I was doing a fair amount of things around the house to try to stroke W's LL's, and I was hoping for some quid-pro-quo. I now see I was being manipulative. This week, even though I've been VERY preoccupied with the book, I have also been doing some things around the house, but this time I have no agenda - I'm just doing certain things because they need doing, and because I know it'll make W feel good, but with no expectation of anything in return - just a gift from me to her. The fact that they make her feel good, makes me feel good. Nothing more.
Initially I thought it might be difficult to find something to start with in implementing these concepts, but now I think the difficulty will be in choosing. There are a LOT of ways I could start this.
At the moment, I'm thinking I'll keep things simple to start with. A lot will depend on whether she is willing to read the book with me. If she is, and if she can find it within her to begin reading fairly quickly, then that in itself will be a beginning. The hoped-for approach will be that we each read Chapter 1 and then discuss it, and also discuss certain aspects of our M in relation to it. This approach will really start to gain momentum when we get to the parts about using tools like "Hugging till relaxed".
If she won't (or can't) go with that approach, then a different (and more unilateral) approach will be indicated. Even though our "main issue" (as far as I'm concerned, at least) is over LM frequency, there are a lot of related issues that can feed into that. For instance, kissing. We used to be GREAT kissers. We would do it right in front of our parents (both sets!). We would do it in public, we would do it for hours. For a VERY long time now, we hardly do it at all, and even when we do, it is a PALE shadow of what it once was. Even during LM, kissing is pretty rare, and almost always very perfunctory. Just lately, it's been getting better - the goodbye and goodnight kisses are warmer and more open, but I think it's time we got back to using kissing as a form of connecting, and as a form of extended foreplay. So I'm thinking that this might be a good "first issue" to begin our quest (MY quest at first) for increased differentiation. She'll need to confront herself on her reasons for not wanting to, and I'll have to challenge myself to state my preference and stand up for myself. That sounds to me like a good opening, and it should have the added benefit of deepening our connection with each other.
