Hello DB - it's been a long time! I never mustered up the interest in online dating. Things were going too well with D and although he wanted me to date around if that's what I needed to, he wasn't thrilled with the idea and I just couldn't see why I'd want to even risk something great with him in order to search around for someone else. I felt like he was exactly what I'd have been searching for. Things moved along really quickly since we'd been close friends already and I knew him, his family, his whole background, and he's been really wonderful - I fell head over heels for him, the spark turned out to be there in a very big way, and we connect on a really deep level. Fast forward and we're in love and wanting to spend as much time together as we can. I'm kind of half living at his house, 3-4 nights a week, and his kids love me and share their days and homework and cooking and fun with me. D and I go out on nice dates but also spend a lot of time at his house with his kids. They visit mine too but at their ages (10, 14) it's a lot easier for me to be there than for them to be at my place. My kids (17, 20 and 20's gf 19) are self sufficient and help a lot with taking care of my dogs. They like new guy and his kids, but I don't see an easy way to uproot either family to combine our households. My kids wouldn't want to leave their friends and schools and live an hour away in another state. I don't want to move his kids away from their schools, friends, grandparents who they see all the time, and their summer daycamp that they love. So for now, although we would like to live together, this half and half seems best. It is hard though, and I sometimes feel stretched between a lot of competing geographically separated needs.
One of the things that has been difficult is that I really love kids, love playing with them, am attuned to their needs and bond really quickly. So D's kids have really taken to me. Their mom suffers from some emotional problems in addition to the alcoholism that originally lead to their breakup, and so the kids have a really hard time being with her. It's hard to describe other than that she is so focused on herself that she can't seem to give them anything - she gets mad if they don't go right to her, or if they do or say something she doesn't like, and she storms out. Due to her issues the kids can't go in a car with her or stay at her place, and her depression and anger when she is with them is just really hard for them to want to be around. So the difference between when they're with her and when they're with me is especially obvious. I sometimes feel like I'm their girlfriend too, and their dad sometimes has to compete for my attention. They especially the girl just crave attention. She's so sad when I leave, and when I come back she's right on my lap wanting to tell me everything. I feel lucky they like me so much, and I feel like I'm good for them (I made sure that I was really going to stick around with their dad before I let myself be close with them at all), that I give them something they really need. It's been a struggle because D really hoped they could get what they need from their mom and that maybe I should try to stay more in the background but the kids have grabbed onto me like a lifesaver. I feel like if they cannot get what they need from their mom, it seems wrong to stop them from getting what they need from me. However, I'd really like to get better insight from a therapist. He's been trying for a while to find a good one for his daughter, and I haven't found a good one for me since mine retired. I just keep trying to do the right thing. I never say anything bad about their mom; I try to normalize conversation that includes her. She is really mad that they're around me at all, and gives their dad a very hard time about it. Even though they divorced over 5 years ago he hadn't been dating and I think she had believed if she stopped drinking they'd get back together. So she's furious and hurt, in addition to her other problems. I really wish we could get along; I wish I could help her connect with her kids. It's unrealistic to think so, but they're so hungry for connection. Anyway, it's a rambly post now so I'll stop here but wanted to get these thoughts out.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
