Gordie #17: deliberately not divorced

[Gordie]

SBJ and DNJ,

Thanks. I don’t know what I’d do without you fellow journeymen. I had a great weekend and a smile on my face throughout and enjoyable time with my kids. It was great until w started criticizing me tonight. Interesting how you DNJ said it’s good to let her vent. I did that but I was a deer in the headlights. I didn’t know what to say. She was bringing up old issues which we have already discussed and for which I have already apologized. There were some minutes of awkward silence. I am thinking: How many times must I apologize? Why does she only see what I did wrong and she finds herself blameless? Then I used my primitive validating skills and that made things better.

Digging deeper. Of what am I afraid? I remember reading something that defines a perfectionist as someone who does not desire to be perfect, but someone who desires to be beyond criticism. It’s actually an insecurity and that’s me. Of what am I insecure? On the outside, I am smart and good looking and professionally successful. But on the inside, there is still an insecure person. An abandoned child. A neglected child. I think it’s one of the reasons why words of affirmation are so important to me. At work, I get tons of positive affirmation. At home, I get tons of criticism.

The weak part of me says give up! Run away! The strong part of me says I am going to keep learning and growing from all of this. God has a plan. I just don’t know what it is yet.