Suspect PA - should I confront with this evidence?

[sandi2]

Even if she would agree in my terms, she would still be able to keep in touch with OM if she wants. She could get another phone, email account or whatever, or basically whatever she could imagine as creative person. Sure, I know that I could hopefully see the change in heart (possibly), but she has proven to be very capable in lying. Any experiences how someone has coped with the situation?

If she wants to continue the A, she can find a way. For me, applying a transparency plan, helped me to stay on the straight & narrow. I was also reading about how affairs are addictive, the emotional results on women who go from man to man, testimony of real life experiences of meeting men on the Internet, and I was on the board reading every night. At that particular time, we could give our email information, so I had a couple of mentors who were talking to me throughout the roughest part of withdrawing from the addiction. If she takes it seriously, then she will need to be transparent.....b/c the temptation to contact OM will be great. You will need to verify WON she is being honest. I can tell you more about that later. She is not strong enough without help and support. The MR can't really progress a lot, until she can get OM out of her head.

Guess it cannot be so that A turns the “power balance” etc. upside down when it comes to feelings of WW – or can it? I mean that before she had an A, I felt that my neglecting etc has been big driver in pushing her away and not wanting to share her life with me. Now after A, why would she suddenly want it even if I do everything I outlined above (leaving her)?

Look, you are thinking like a LBH. When you make those type of statements, you sound as if you justify her reasons to continue having an A and not to work on the MR. Those very thoughts are likely to hinder you, when it's time for you to be strong and lead in this whole transparency plan. Trust me, she will need you to have more strength than she has, b/c going through the withdrawals of the A will be very hard. I want you to remember what is most important.........her willingness. What she "wants" can't take priority over what she is willing to do. You are right, why should she suddenly want to end the A and be with you. The harsh truth is......she won't. A woman can't fall in and out of love that fast. Even when it's pseudo love, it takes time! What counts in this entire ordeal is her willingness to do what is necessary to heal the MR.

Her feelings will follow her consistent actions, eventually. Currently, she is operating out of her emotions. The resentment and other issues will not be settled just b/c she agrees to reconcile. Those issues are why the couple needs professional guidance. So many couples don't survive piecing back the MR, b/c they don't understand the importance of help with their relationship problems. You both failed to do what was needed to have a good relationship. It won't be easy repairing it, but very possible.......if you get a good therapist that help couples heal after infidelity.

Therefore, I have actually not even thought what would I say if she says that she wants to recon.

I doubt she'll make it that simple. I think she will try to lay down her own terms. And should she say she'll give the M another chance.......she will want to compromise what you've previously told her. She will want to maintain her privacy, especially her phone. So, you had better be prepared and practice using various scenarios. She has to agree to your terms, or it won't work. That's not to say you should come across as a dictator, but you will need to be firm and don't compromise on the things you have told her. H's get scared they will not get the W back, and they go soft. That's a big mistake.

If she won't agree to all your terms of reconciliation, then tell her it's no deal. Don't continue to share an apartment. Go as dark as possible, and file for a D. It may take her actually seeing that she is losing you, before she ends the A and agrees to your R terms.