WAW, is there hope?

[KGuy]

alright, the (X)W still keeps going on about petty issues, mainly clothing. Personally i think its a way for her to stir up confrontation so that she is reminded that we had always fought. She has compared this behavior to how much better the OM treats her according to some things the 4 y/o has said.

At first, i would just go back and forth with her with my stance that it really didn't matter what clothes the kids got exchanged with since in effect, if i had hers, she had mine. After all, i wasn't going to send them in dirty clothes. I tried to set this boundary that i wasn't going to worry about individual items, but ensure they were clothed.

After, i stated the boundary, i tried not to discuss the issue anymore and I then ignored her emails about such issues. However, I ensured that the clothes that they came with went back with the kids. At times, i had to take their clothes off as soon as they got in the house and then ensure they were washed prior to me dropping them off the next day.

Anyway, now the kids are in a daycare that has a uniform. the XW keeps going on about listed clothes, and sent an email yesterday:

On Monday please return Cara to school with everything she had at school on Thursday. I believe you have an additional green uniform shirt at your house. Please return that on Monday as well, I only have one green uniform shirt at my house.

Please return:

the uniform shirts
her uniform skirt
her Friday uniform shirt
her Friday uniform pants
her outfit she wears for dance on Thursdays
Her stuffed animal she brought to school on Thursday


Again, trying to set a boundary, i sent the following in a reply to further emphasize the boundary:
What is the point of making such a list and demanding each and every item be returned? As I have said before, if you do not have the exact item of clothing you sent her in, you have like items that came from my house, so items to be returned to each other are in both households.

Surprisingly, i got a nicer reply to this email, which was as follows:

A gentle reminder that D4 looks forward every week to getting a prize for wearing her [school] uniform. Did she get a prize on Friday? She can only get this prize if we both cooperate and she has the appropriate clothes to wear on each day when i send her in. I gave you the Friday uniform in the bag so she could wear that.

Additionally D4 looks forward every week to dance and i can only send her in her leotard if i have that at my house.
Additionally, at my house she enjoys sleeping with stuffed animal. Please keep her highest and best interest in mind so D4 has everything she needs when D4 is with me.

I am drafting an reply email back to her with more validation in hopes to get a better dialog going that isn't confrontational. I would love to hear any input on how it can be more validating and less confrontational. Anyway, i drafted up the following:

Thank you for sharing information on the prize and its relation to the uniform with me. I was glad that you cooperated with me to make this happen. The previous week D4 had told me it was about her doing what she was told, however this past Friday, Ms. XXX told me she had told D4 that if she wore the uniform this past week, she would get a prize. Yes, after much indecision on what she wanted, she did get a prize, a beach ball with a fish inside.

I hear you that D4 looks forward to dance, she always has hasn’t she? If I understand your past email, she has her dance in the afternoon on Thursdays, is this correct? In any case I hear what you are saying, and since you (/ your mother) bring the girls in Thursday mornings, I left the ballet bag with Cara’s ballet outfit and shoes at daycare.
As for the stuffed doll, I can see this is important to you, and more importantly important to D4. I had planned to return it Monday and will take all steps to ensure it gets back to your house. I have been trying to limit her bringing too many toys along with her, so on Friday, when she wanted to bring her monkey instead she left it here. As always, I have D4 and D2’s best interest at heart, so I agree with you that it is in both of the girl’s best interest to ensure they are returned with everything they need at either house.

Anyway, any input is appreciated. The fact that she reworded her email to request instead of demand is progress on her part and I would like to keep it progressing to where we at least are communicating properly.