This is my first time posting. I have been going thru MWD material and im in the process of reading DRemedy. My wife and i have been marries over 20 years. We have 3 kids, D18, S17, S13. Recently i questioned her as to why she didnt want to bring me to her company Holiday party. After some stonewalling, she expressed that she hasnt been happy for some time and thag she didnt feel anything for me.
Heres a brief backround of our marriage and a more detailed recap of the last two years, where i think she really checked out:
My wife and i met when we just finished college. I saw her on a dance floor and we just gravitated to each other. Shes portuguese is strikingly beautiful. There was an immediate connection, totally electric. We started dating hot n neavy right away.
Things were great in the early years. We spent regular time together and also with our friends. Part of the attraction for me was that she came from a great family. Very close knit, super supportive, who enbraced me warmly from the outset. I didnt have that growing up. I came from a dysfunctional, argumentative family. When i was 12, my mother told me that my father wasnt my real father and that this new guy friend tha i had recently met was. Parents were going thru problems at the time but the got back together. Oviously this was difficult becauae my world was turned upside down, but what made it even worse was that i never had a good relationship again with my stepdad...i probably reminded him of the om and the pa!
I know this event had a profound impact on my relationship views. I never wanted to bring drama like that to future children, etc. Things were so bad with my stepf that i moved in with my grandmother when i was 14. I was still living with gm when i met my wife. I remember when i brought my wife over to meet my grandmother. We made an italian dinner(our fav) and i could tell my gm knew this was the one.
Shortly after we started dating, i came home one night from my wifes parents and i found my grandmother unconscious in the bathroom. She was gone. My step grandfather was sleeping in the bedroom. Whats crazy is that my stepg was abusive and had made threats to my gm that someday he would take care of her if she interfered with ow. My gm had previously told me that he threatened that he knew how to hurt her without anyone finding out. Real scary, sick stuff. I had pleaded with her to leave him but she was to dependant on him.
The autopsy said my gm suffered a massive heart attack and my stepgf was never charged. Even though ivr been approached by friends of theirs who swear he killed her. But it was clear he wasnt in morning long as he had the ow sleeping over shortly after my gm died. My wife(gf at time) knew all about this and was really supportive. We got along great. After about a year n half, my wife n i got engaged. Shortly thereafter my step gf told me he wanted to have ow move in and that i would have to leave. We had an argument and i had to leave right away. My wife offered for me to stay with her family until we get married. At first i felt funny, but they were so kind and insisted.
This was a special time in our relationship. We had nice family meals, played games, did activities, etc. I got the sense her famiky could really see how in love we were. We ended up having a large, beautiful wedding and got an apartment together. Honeymoon period was great and then my wife got pregnant with my d and then my son 13 months apart.
Both my wife and i still worked ft and it was def challenging commuting into city and raising small kids. This is where i could see little bouts of depression but she was always a great mom. Moving out 5 years my wife got preg again. It was after this preg that we decided she should stay at home, daycare was too costly.
Once we knew we were going to have a 3rd child we decided to look for a home. Unfortuately this was during the real estate boom of the early 2000s so i overpaid. But it was a lifestyle decision not investment. And at the time my career was really taking off. I was a successful financial advisor with a major money center bank.
Unfortunately, buying that house was the start of the worst chapted of my life and i felt like i already went thru so much. We basically got bamboozeled on our mtg by none other than a friend of my stepfather. Too long to go into, but i knew it right after the closing. Sad thing is that i was obviously financially literate and had great credit, healthy downpayment, etc. And i could have easily got the loan from my employer. But i was cautioned by a colleague to shop outside the bank because i would be obligated to give thag business to one of my retail banking partners so they could get credit. Problem with that is they now have a snapshot of your income, etc. They may not be as motivated to refer if they know thag im making significantly more then them.
Low and behold, i ended up with a mtg that i couldnt get out of and that had huge rate exposure. Within a few years my pmt doubled. This was trying times. I would try and talk about it. with my wife, but she always gave me the vibe that she didnt want to hear it. Maybe she didnt care cause the purchase was in my name and her credit was not at risk.
Two major things happened in 2006, my mtg pmt jumped drastically and the bank i was with had to temporarily disband the referral program. So,just as my exps were rising, myincome was falling. During this time, another large bank was trying to expand their footprint and was looking to add experienced Fncl Advs. They recruited me heavily and offered me a sizable signing bonus. Somehwat reluctantly, because i loved where i was at, i decided to take the new position. The bonus would help get me n track and i could get back to some normalcy. What i failed to understand is that signing bonus is supposed to help you get thru the initial lean times while you ramp up, bring clients over, learn systems, etc. Unfortunately i had to use a significant chunk to pay past due mtg.
Stress on our marriage was heavy. We werent communicating properly. I absolutely made a lot of mistakes. Started to stop off for beers after work, etc. I wish i learned about connecting emotionally back then.
Fast forward to 2008, while litigating against the broker and mtf company, my employer buys the mtg business in a fire sale. So now im litigating against my emoloyer. Not something u want to do especially when they control your licenses. After thinking about it for awhile i decided to resign. But that triggered new problem, now i have to pay back prorated bonus. Fincl stress thru roof. My wife decided to go back to work.
Although i really didnt see it, things really started to fallbapart when she went back to work. I was so consumed with the fincl mess, my career being sidetracked, and if i was going to lose my home and end up in bankruptcy. Intimacy was down and we were arguing more often.
I was hoping to get back to the fncl world but i couldnt resolve the house mess within the 2 year window for my brokers license. I ended up doing oddd jobs and eventually started working for my stepdads hvac company. But i was just trying to do the best i could for my family. Im sure my wife wasnt inspired because i went from managing $120 million in assets to climbing around attics installing hvac systems.
I ended uo fulltime with my stepdads company and decided to make the most out of hvac field. I knew i coukd eventually get into the sales side and do well. Besides, my stepdad was paying me peanuts. Even though people had told him that i had a knack for business and that he should groom me for a management role. I dont think he could ever allow himself to do it because i reminded him of the pa.
So heres where it really gets interesting. While im trying to find a better job my wife is becoming more distant. Going out more with her friends, and not doing anything with me. Intimacy at this point is almost non existant. But i was understanding of that because my wife was going thru some sorr of physical change. She told me that she was getting her monthly cycle al.ost all the time. I think shs said it was like 3 weeks out of the month. And my wife always had the extreme blues during her cycle. Earlier in our relationship, i used to joke about it because i always knew when she had it. Not in a mean way, just to offer a little levity.
My wife has a good job at med size business. She basically does all the fincl reporting and hr. Every year they throw a holiday party in Jan after the new year. Spouses are invited and they usually attend. I havent been to many and zero recetly. In Jan 2017 i asked her about the party and she said that she didnt sign me up because se figured i wouldnt want to go. I said that i would like to go. And it seemed like there was something else. After making some excuses about her having to facilitate some activities at the party she confided to me that she wasnt happy and she felt that we didnt have a normal marriage. No love. etc.
This really hit me because i love my wife deeply and i backed off from her to give her the space she desired while she was going thru this physical change. We had a lengthy all night discussion about what happened and what would be best for the family. At the end she agreed to try and work things out, give one solid effort. But in hindsight, i think she already checked out. My initial thought were shes going thru a change, possibly perimenapause or mlc, or both. She said her doctor said its not thr change. And my wife refuses to take any type of meds, creams, etc. And i respect her for not wanting to take anything. My concern is that the mood swings/depression becomes too much and she flies off the deep end. But i always trust in the girl i fell in love with, smart, responsible, great mom, good family values!
We meandered thru 2017 till late summer. She had to file an addendum for our taxes and needed the file. When she returned it i filed it away and thought nothingof it. A month later i bought anew filing cabinet to store all the record. While going thru files i discovered a some divorce atty paperwork for two attys located in very affluent towns. I was shocked. Would she really go and see an atty without telling me? I guess im naive. But given our fincl sitch at time, it wouldnt maks sense.
That weekend i confronted her about it. At first she didnt know what to say, basically didnt know what i was talking about. Then she said that she never met or spole to an atty,but wasnt going to tell me more because i wouldnt believe her anyway. I asked her to tell me anyway. She said that while at work, there were some peopme standing around,and someone who recently went thru a divorce came oved and said" im all set with this, anyone need it?" And that she took it jokingly. This really my heart because now im thinking my wife really wants out and thinks im an idiot.
And my feeling is that she is getting coached by people at work. And this is where my mind really starts wandering. She has a grouo of people she is close to at work. 2 girls and 2 guys. All either single or divorced. One of the guys, a 50 year old lives in the affluent town of the divorce atty and he is divorced. Go figure, but wait, it gets better. He also is from the same town my wife grew up in and went to the same college. Now i know they didnt know each other, but the talking points are there.
I basically decided to not press it and see if things would get better. I also rationalized that she got scared because we were days from a foreclosure and she wanted to protect herself financially. I was able to fix the house mess and refinance. My credit was repaired and i ended uo finding a great sales position with a major HVAC company. I figures i could finally breathe again and maybe things would get better. Holidays were fine and then get into Jan 2018.
She sends me a text on a Monday at 5:00 that her company holiday party is Friday and its in the city this year. And that she is going to stay in a hotel with the girls so she wouldnt have to drive. This is where she hit an emotional cord, i basicallly said she should just move in with them.(i know, immature and stupid, but i was emotional). She said no. Didnt say anything more that night, but had a discussion the next night. I asked herflat out why she didnt want me at her company,party. Thats where she said that there is nothing there anymore, that she is only there for the kids and that she is not willing to try and work on it.
After talking for awhile she agreed to see a mc. She said that ahe would research thru insurance and set something up. She also didnt stay in a hotel night of party and came home at a decent time. After no appt set for a couple weeks i decided to be proactive and find a marriage friendly councilor.
We met with councilor recently on a Tues night and the first session was to hear us out and set goals. Now i was forunate to have found divorce bstg beforehand so i could handle the situation for what i though she might say. What she alresdy told e. I said my side, that we have had difficulty but that i wanted to fix past mistakes and salvage our marriage. She said she didnt see that as a possibility. And again, our meeting was right at a low point with her cycle, depression, cramps, heatingpad, etc. I wish i could help her. Mc said that maybe we got there too late and asked for to clarify goals. This is where i made headway, rather than acting emotional and angry, i renained calm and said that i would like to work on communcation so we can coparent effectively and maybe rekindle friendship.
I know she was surprised because she asked me to stop for a dri,k after to talk. We started off with small talk and then she opened uo to me that she cant live her life anymore base on others expectations. She was really depressed etc. I just listened and wanted her to feel understood. She was the oldest child and her father was very strict and put a lot of pressure to succeed. I was happy she opened up. I felt like i finally made headway. She even said that she didnt want to announce any divorce to anyone and that we need to work on us. When we got home i asked if she felt awkward if i slept in bed, and she said no. When i got into bed she got really close and started asking me about my job.
So we continue to live together and we are getting along. We are not intimate, but thats a littlr hard with her constant cycle. What bothers me is i dont know if she is in an ea or maybe even a pa. Normally i wouldnt think she was capable, given how conservative she is, but you never know. She comes home from work at 7:30 every night, we have dinner and she typically goes upstairs to bed to use her phone the rest of the night. Of course i ask myself, is she texting some guy all night?
Now the embarrassing things that i was doing before i got to DB. I was looking for her in FB posts, photos etc. She didnt go outball the time, but she seemed to rotate a diff friend on a reg basis. And im emarrassed to say that i even looked at her FB likes, restaraunts, etc and i noticed that she liked a couple oyster bars in the same affluent town thaf the guy she works with lives. And coincidentally he also has liked the same bars. Now i dont know if she just liked from someone elses bc post or what? My mind was really wandering.
Lately we are getting along better. Communicating, being curtious, etc. But i still notice the blues during cycle and she still is in the habit of going upstairs on her phone after dinner.
My questions, should i try and find out if she is in a ea or pa. I think unlikely pa, but ea just as bad? Also, im employing some last resort technique and seeing positive results. Just need help understanding if my wife is in mlc, waw, ea, or pa. Sorry for the long winded explanation but wanted to share, need help. Love my wife n family deeply. Kids about to go off to college and if we cant save marriage it will hurt everyone tremendously. Not to mention we both believe strongly in education and if we divorce, we both throe ourselves in bankruptcy cause of house, but if we can maks it work we both will do well and can help our kids with school. My daughter applying to great schools, Brown, Dartmouth, Northwestern, etc for neuroscience. Any help appreciated.
