Gordie #17: deliberately not divorced

[Gordie]

I have been thinking a lot about what you guys have been saying. What Mach1 said, who made her the judge, jury and executioner of my life? Wow, that got me thinking. DNJ and SBJ have also been inspiring in the face of terrible circumstances. Are you guys related? So my w is clearly not ready to work on M and I hope she is working on herself, but that’s on her side of the street. For the most part, we are quite civil. At times, we act like friends and co parents. We do not act like a dating or M couple.

Ok my side of the street, I’ve been walking with a smile on my face and the excitement of coming home to see my kids. Doing my best to enjoy life in all circumstances. I’m doing this for me, not the M. If anythjng, it makes things a little more difficult because w sometimes acts like she is resentful of my success and happiness. But why should her anger and unhappiness drag me down? I read an article about being M to someone who is depressed and it was so descriptive of our current dynamic. Yes, sometimes I’m faking it, but that’s okay too.

The other thing I’ve stopped doing is walking on eggshells. I’m just tired of being afraid that I might say or do the wrong thing that will set her off. That is no way to live. And guess what? Sometimes I do say or do the wrong thing that sets her off. But, for now, it’s better for me and my mental health. No, I don’t like getting yelled at for “the small stuff” but I’m learning not to react and just let it go. The old me would have been mortally wounded and tried to apologize my way back into her good graces but now I see things more clearly and that sometimes (a) I have nothing for which to apologize and (b) it’s really not a big deal and she is just venting at me. Of course, if I actually do something bone headed that warrants an apology, then I give her one.

This is a marathon and I have no idea what mile marker I just passed.

Every day above ground is a good day, right?