Finding my way into the light

[Holding]

I'm feeling down today and I don't really know why.

Last night XW was at S11's orchestra solo. She asked me if I noticed her shorter haircut. I honestly hadn't until she mentioned it. She looks so different to me. We didn't say much to each other. When she left, she actually told me bye. It was weird, as it was such a different persona from the one I deal with on OFW. All in all, I spent about 30 minutes in her presence. I haven't been around her this long since December.

For the second week in a row, my court appointment to have the final decree signed by the judge has been delayed, because the documents aren't ready (lawyer issues). I'm really getting tired of the delays. I want this over.

Two weeks ago I stood in front of a judge to get a date for the decree to be signed, and the judge told me my D was granted. So I'm in this weird limbo where it's granted but not signed. I feel like I need the decree to be signed for it to be real. I don't know why. Maybe it comes from being detailed oriented.

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for the M. There are so many "why" questions. Why did I want to be with XW? Why did I ignore the red flags early in our R? Why was I such a pushover? Why did I tolerate a bad M? After BD, why did I still want to save the M? Why did I want to save it after I found out about OM?

I'm still trying to make sense of things, when maybe there's no sense to be made.

I know I need to GAL, keep myself busy, and "work on myself". I meet up with friends a lot, and I've actually made a decent amount of guy friends through my NGS support group.

Maybe just interacting with XW has put me in this funk.