Adjusting to being a LBS #2

[Subitai]

Little progress forward with regards to the W, but still making progress on my own as far as IC goes.

I am feeling like somebody who is at month 6 of getting his motorcycle license. I kinda feel like I know what I'm doing, but that makes me relax and more likely to have a careless accident, both with DBing and with my IC. I used to be angry fairly constantly. Now I'm not, and all of my work getting to that point now with being constantly monitoring my brain/mood/etc feels different, I feel relaxed, but I have noticed that I am back to getting into a state where I can get angry and frustrated with multiple inputs that bug me.

For instance, this morning my D didn't want to get dressed, my S didn't want to eat the same breakfast he always demands because I didn't ask him first, I was trying to get the dogs out the door and walked before the rain hit, and I got frustrated and told them no TV and started escalating my mood. I quickly shut that down, got their breakfasts on the table, and got the dogs out the door so I could calm down and de-escalate. But I shouldn't have gotten to that point in the first place, but I have gotten 'lax' in my monitoring because everything has been pretty good for me.

Last night, the W facetimed the kids, who I usually have in bed. I was on the computer trying to get something done that she asked me to do, when suddenly the kids come running out of their rooms asking me to show them something that Mommy wanted them to see on my computer. I was on the phone AND on a website trying to get stuff to work and I had to drop it all to refocus on this, and she was talking on FT, the kids were both talking over her and eachother, and I got frustrated and said "Everybody just shut up for a minute!" in a exasperated (but not my full angry) voice. I knew this was the wrong thing to say, but in the moment, I locked down the mounting anger, got the video playing that she wanted the kids to see, and ignored the W's question of "Why are we yelling shut up at people?" instead of engaging and got the kids through the video and back to bed where they finished FT with the W. I calmed down during the video with my relaxing techniques and was fine.

These two incidents feel more like the 'old' me rather than the 'new' me I am aiming to become. I know I will always have a quick temper, but not letting it get the best of me is important to me.

Thinking about Recon, I am getting less desperate for it. Before I would have jumped at her moving back, or stopping the process. Now, I don't think it would work. I like who I am becoming, and it is harder to be that person around her. Furthermore, I always assumed things were better than she did because she deeply compartmentalizes things. How could I ever trust that things are 'good' with her? How could I ever risk putting the kids through separation and divorce AGAIN after seeing what it's doing to them right now? Especially after giving them some false hope in reconciling?

This is, of course, far from even an option right now, but these are the concerns I would have.

Work friend A has commented on me being calmer and slower to get worked up in our conversations.

Work friend B said she feels like I am 'more grown up' or adult in my interactions at work and in our personal interactions. (Our families hang out every few weeks.)

I feel like I am making progress, and at the point where I need to double down and start driving these changes into the bedrock of my personality and not just go "whoa, everything is so much better! I can relax now" and slowly lose them.

This board has been such a great help in keeping me focused on myself and my IC, and keeping me from spinning out into obsessions over W and our R.