First of all – thanks to everyone of your contribution in this situation. I have seen many writing about how this site has been helping to maintain the sanity in difficult times. But I couldn´t agree more! It has really been a lifesaver to be able to vent thoughts here and also get all the understanding and knowledge from you guys – thank you!
I also appreciate that you have offered help in tweaking the message with W. I guess only thing why I have not been posting my thoughts to the board before sharing with W is that since I´m in a different continent with most of you, it always takes a bit time to get an perspective and sometimes I feel that things happen in so fast pace. But I guess there should not be that much of a hurry in these kind of situations so will improve in this.
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What fear does she actually have that SHE might lose YOU? Why is it so obvious that you are already willing to choose her regardless of what she says or does?
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She's wanting time to see if OM will work out, and if not.....she knows you are sitting on ready to reconcile.
What I know is this: I will only be open for recon if she completely disconnects with OM. If she will not stop A and cut every single connection, she will lose me. Period. And if she will not take the initiatives I outlined in my letter in that timeframe, I will start arranging divorce and cut off all other financial support than those that are stipulated by law. This is my decision.
However, there are two thoughts I would like to hear your opinion on:
1. Even if she would agree in my terms, she would still be able to keep in touch with OM if she wants. She could get another phone, email account or whatever, or basically whatever she could imagine as creative person. Sure, I know that I could hopefully see the change in heart (possibly), but she has proven to be very capable in lying. Any experiences how someone has coped with the situation?
2. Other thing is bit more complicated I assume… Guess it cannot be so that A turns the “power balance” etc. upside down when it comes to feelings of WW – or can it? I mean that before she had an A, I felt that my neglecting etc has been big driver in pushing her away and not wanting to share her life with me. Now after A, why would she suddenly want it even if I do everything I outlined above (leaving her)? I can only think of 1 reason why – please shout if you have more: the fact that she will actually lose me will be real. That could make her to think (at least in long term) what does she actually want and help to let the resentment towards me go. And if it does not lead there, I will feel anyways better for myself standing straight and not dealing with that A bs. I also remember I once red an opinion (might be from this site) that usually wayward behaviour does not end before they need to look the truth in the eye and realize that they will lose / have lost something that has been valuable for them.
So, I should know if couple of days how this goes. To be honest, I have 0 expectations that she wants to find her way back to me (I still have hopes though). Therefore, I have actually not even thought what would I say if she says that she wants to recon. On the other hand, I have thought what will I say if she still asks more time to think or why I´m in such of a hurry. I was planning to say something along the lines: “I am not in hurry to anywhere, but under these circumstances I need prove from you that you want to work on our relationship. The decisions you have made with OM has caused that there is no longer such thing as us. Despite what happened, I have given us a chance and opened the door towards forgiveness. If you don´t want to grasp that chance right now, it tells me everything I need to know of your priorities. Now it´s time for me to take the next step in my life without you.”
And if she still is fishing how I feel, I will not expose any hurt, but say: “I feel clearer. I look to the future with open eyes and feel excited what will it bring for me”.
How does the board feel?
Despite the HORRIBLE feeling I have felt in past few days, I´m sure that I will stay alive and be happy someday. I will begin detaching, continue gal and have 0 expectations. And love my great kids
