Not sure what to do. . .can anyone help?

[mbe76]

So another update, My W told me yesterday that she wants a D and although we are still under the same roof, I have been sleeping downstairs. I spoke with her to clarify some boundaries surrounding how we talk and treat each other.

This morning, she is due to go to MC, and if she does not attend then I will commence the process to separate formally and plan what to do with the child access etc.

She told me yesterday that her OM is ready to support her and house her, so if this is the case then I am truly on a sticky wicket.

I spoke to her one last time and said that although she may be feeling it is too late it is not, and if she chooses to fight for our M then I am willing to work with her for the sake of what could be, not for what has happened in the past, she then said that she is frightened of me and my anger- although I can honeslty say all my dealings with her recently have not involved any anger on my side- it seems that she cannot let go of the resentment she is holding onto.

So in a nutshell:

I have accepted the fact I cannot control her and if she chooses it is done, then it is, I need to move on.

I will be moving my focus towards doing what is right for the children and that also means opening a dialogue with her about this- to date she has been reluctant to discuss this- probably bc she was weighing up her options.

Even though there is an OM and she says the PA is over the EA is definitely in full swing- and I don't believe what she says anyway.

Any ideas please?

[Vanilla]

Just because WW says something doesn't make it so. She has scrambled eggs for brains at this moment in time. When reality bites it often bites extra hard. So the correct response is "yeah, really!" This tactic is called triangulation and it's highly manipulative.

Do not leave the MBR, it is WW who leaves the MBR. She is the cheater so she goes.

You can stay in the MH with your children. There are many wonderful men here on the board who have sole custody and or joint custody of their children. That's a goal for many terrific dads and they achieve it. Breast feeding a 2 year old is a barrier decision and an attempt to block you from that child in this case. I agree with Sandi on this completely. You have had amazing advice on it, if you S and the child is with you then she may use this as 'poor' me and 'poor' baby. Reality is to share custody then the 2 year old will get weaned.

You are operating without a plan and I think therefore are confused.

Your M as it was is definitely over and if you and WW get it together again then it has to be as new R not recycled M. If new M or R isn't possible what do you want?

So what do you want?

Is it legally feasible?

Consider your option

I want to live in the MH/ I want a new home/ this house to be sold......

I want X type custody of my children........

I want to bring up all my children myself.......

I want to see all my children every day...........

Be aware that whatever choices you make today are vital to your financial and emotional well being for many years to come.

Children come first always, you are a dad with precious loving bundles who have a mother who has scrambled eggs for brains. You are the stable one, you are the sound one. Time to step up for your children. Time to work with what you have.

I think you need to know what you want and find a great L who can help you achieve it. Like most spouse with SAHP then you are in both a strong and a weak position. Being involved with your children from this point is vital if you are to be the father you are going to have to be.

That's reality and it hurts like crazy I know.

V

[Vanilla]

After you know what YOU want, have advice on what's feasible then you open dialogue on achieving it.

Cards, close, chest any order.

WW often have the happy ever after scenario in their heads, "I will live in this house with OM happy ever after. Ex H will pay and pay lots happily and everything will be wonderful. I won't have to work and will live in my sunshine scrambled eggs for brains life. We can pretend OM isn't living here too so I can be a single mom for the court"

You may need to record some conversations and start collecting proof of OM especially in a fault state.

Lala Land lovey dovey stuff. When it comes to the wire OM are often not good on their word especially if they have other commitments.

Beware of the "I am afraid of your anger tactic". You have to leave because you are angry?.........

You have stated you want a new R and family life. Be prepared to fight for your family life which can be your home with your children and WW separately off in Lala Land. She can't afford to live separately without your support unless she goes out to work. Life is about to get real for scrambled egg brains with no knickers.

V

[MoveFrwd]

This is getting so difficult. I spoke with her about the boundary of not criticising or disrespecting me in front of the children and I said that "while we are still married and living under the same roof as Husband and Wife I will not accept you criticising me or namecalling me or showing any other lack of respect in front of the children" she then said that I had been showing her a lack of respect for all of our marriage" basically getting angry at me.

To me, this sounds like a perfect time to validate.

"I can see how you would feel that way. I cant change the past, but I am working towards being more respectful to you."

Rather than escalating the discussion, how can you validate and de-escalate?

She then said that "I am treating her like a POS and I can't go on like this"

Are you treating her like a POS?
Why might she feel that way?

I said that I am not criticising or showing you direspect now so I expect the same"

Can you see how this is different from what I wrote above?

If you disrespect her for however many years and then suddenly start behaving like a gentleman, how can you just put your foot down and demand respect back? Like...where is you acknowledging her frustrations?

[MoveFrwd]

So another update, My W told me yesterday that she wants a D and although we are still under the same roof, I have been sleeping downstairs. I spoke with her to clarify some boundaries surrounding how we talk and treat each other.

I really think you are misunderstanding boundaries. The way I read it, boundaries are about drawing a circle around yourself. YOU get to choose what comes into that circle. You cant draw a boundary around her. It doesnt do anything and is simply controlling. And a boundary isnt about how you treat her. And it isnt a negotiation on how you will treat each other. Its about what YOU will allow inside your circle.

Furthermore, a leaky/weak boundary is worse than no boundary at all. It shows that you dont actually mean what you say. Saying that you wont accept disrespect and then standing there while she disrespects you undermines everything youve said.

She told me yesterday that her OM is ready to support her and house her, so if this is the case then I am truly on a sticky wicket.

I spoke to her one last time and said that although she may be feeling it is too late it is not, and if she chooses to fight for our M then I am willing to work with her for the sake of what could be, not for what has happened in the past

This feels like a very bizarre thing to say. She just told you that shes ready to pick up and move to live with another man and youre falling over yourself to try to get her to pick you.

How is that attractive for her?

I have accepted the fact I cannot control her and if she chooses it is done, then it is, I need to move on.

What do you mean 'done'?

And why are you giving her all of that power?

Even though there is an OM and she says the PA is over the EA is definitely in full swing- and I don't believe what she says anyway.

If shes choosing to live with him....the PA isnt over.

[mbe76]

She thinks by me not talking to her is treating her like a POS she keeps saying things like "You look down your nose at me"

I have acknowledged my past behaviour, but she doesn't believe I have the capacity to change that is the problem.

If she cannot let go of the past, how could we ever move forward?

I have accepted now that the R as it was is over, and if she wants to save the M, I am not sure if I would even want to anymore- I am fed up with the lies and the secrets.

When she opened up to me again last night, she said that she knows we may need to wait 2 years before a D, so I plan to carry on with the 180's and begin detachment with determination.

One thing I am not too sure how to handle though, is if we are living separate lives under the same roof, and have not yet told the children, I don't want her to meet the OM with my children present, this is a boundary which I think is fair, how would you play this?

[Vanilla]

Did you read my previous posts?

What do you want if your R does not survive?

Is that feasible?

V

[MoveFrwd]

She thinks by me not talking to her is treating her like a POS she keeps saying things like "You look down your nose at me"

Is it? Are you?
We only really know what you are posting here.

I mean, she isnt going to LIKE that you stop pursuing her.

I have acknowledged my past behaviour, but she doesn't believe I have the capacity to change that is the problem.

If she cannot let go of the past, how could we ever move forward?

Imagine this scenario. You walk by your wife every day for 10 years and kick her in the shin or punch her in the arm or smack her across the face. Then she says shes going to leave you and so you respond with, "Im sorry I wont do that again". Then you get upset that she cant just 'let go of the past'. Of course, Im not suggesting that youve been physically abusing your wife or anything remotely close to that. My point is that for years you have behaved one way, and now that you are behaving differently, you cant just expect her to forget everything before the point where you started to act differently.

Time + Consistent Change = change she can actually believe in.

I have accepted now that the R as it was is over, and if she wants to save the M, I am not sure if I would even want to anymore- I am fed up with the lies and the secrets.

Thats fair. What Im describing above doesnt excuse her for the lies and secrets and such. Those are decisions you need to make. I would caution you to be patient though - now is a very emotional time where you shouldnt be making grand decisions.

When she opened up to me again last night, she said that she knows we may need to wait 2 years before a D, so I plan to carry on with the 180's and begin detachment with determination.

Sounds like a good idea. What are you doing for GAL?

[mbe76]

Sounds like a good idea. What are you doing for GAL?

So for GALs so far I have/ am:

I am a School Governor- so that keeps me busy
I am a volunteer at Church each week
I am attending the Families need Fathers support groups
I have joined 3 x Social Groups via the "Meetup" website
I am now regularly going the Gym- I have lost over 2 stone already, and have a firm target in mind.

last night, I had a GAL Activity planned, and she said she would be home at 7pm, but didn't arrive until 7.20am, so I was late for the meeting, she asked where I was going, and (wearing a smart shirt and a nice aftershave) she asked me where I was going, and I smiled and said, "just out, I'll see you later" and left. It felt strangely satisfying to think she may have been wondering where I am.

[mbe76]

Yes- I did read your posts. . . .a lot to think, but in terms of what I want is the following- I accept the R in its previous state is over- even if the M isn't. In the meantime, I will continue to 180, detach and GAL, and if she chooses to want to discuss R then it will be piecing to the max.

If the R is over, my plan is:

I will stay in the MH until she or her OM buy me out and I can take equity to buy a new place or we sell the MH and we both downsize- The equity is not too much- so rather than pay ongoing spousal maintenance I would look to get a financial clean break order. She (as a SAHM for 7 years thinks she can afford it on benefits- she is in cloud cuckoo land) either way unless the OM is willing to buy me out, or she goes back to work- I cannot see anything other than a house sale.

She does seem to think that she can somehow manage to afford the mortgage on her own- as the youngest child is over 2- any means test will tell her she needs to get out to work- so her only real option for staying in the MH is if he buys me out really. That'll test his commitment for sure.

In terms of the children, I want a 2 week cycle, 2 nights in week one midweek, and 3 nights week 2 weekend. I have a very supportive boss, my opening position will be 50/50 custody, and I will be happy to negotiate to my preferred position.

There was a question asked if I had evidence of OM, I have screencaps of conversations from FB and have been keeping records of convos too. Not too sure if the FB messages can be used though- she had left her FB logged in on the phone I pay for....?

.