My W seemed to be remorseful, but you never (I see) know what she truly feels. I am personally satisfied with boundaries and am committed to work with them.
I suspect what you were seeing, was your WW sorry she got caught. It is not remorse. Which, she proved by calling in two hours wanting two weeks to make up her mind to end her affair. No, she's not remorseful.
Please come to the board before you make anymore big approaches with your W. You gave a combination of stating a boundary and stipulations to a possible reconciliation.
Most LBH's I have observed, tend to say way too much. He starts telling the WW what all he will do if she gives the M another chance, or what he expects her do if she returns to the M........before she even agrees to end her affair (or whatever) and/or asks about the possibility of reconciling. So, be careful.
Know the differences in a boundary, and in stipulations of a reconciliation. Your boundaries are about what you won't tolerate in your life/marriage. Your terms about reconciling the MR are about what she will have to do in order for you to feel safe, and heal from her waywardness. (Which, you relayed most of it when you stated your boundary). If she wants to reconcile, she doesn't get to go home until you make it your terms clear. (Not that it is necessary to currently voice that to her, but FYI). She can agree or disagree, but if she doesn't agree to your terms, you do not move back together again. Understand? Your terms in reconciling the MR can wait untill you get past this current place you are standing. But let me inject this, for fear I will forget it later. In regards to a reconciliation.......you are the betrayed spouse, so you are the only one who makes the stipulations. She can agree to your terms or refuse. If she doesn't agree, then you do not reconcile with her! Period! Do you understand what I am saying? She has a wayward mindset. She is in no position to lay down any terms in the MR. That doesn't mean you are allowed to mistreat her. It is not a ticket to control her. Unless she is remorseful and humble, she will probably be resistant in agreeing to your terms, b/c she has a wayward mindset.....and that's what waywards do. However, if the consequences are stiff enough, she could change her mind. And it has to be more than just going dark.
However, one step at a time, and at the moment, this is about your boundary. And, that may be a challenge b/c your boundary and all of it kind of ran in together. Be careful not to talk too much at one time. And, some things we tell you, are not to be shared with her. Some things, like telling her she has a choice......are unnecessary, b/c she already knows she has a choice. You are not required to list her options. This about your boundaries, and your options. When talking to her, don't let her sidetrack the subject at hand, b/c she will try to get off into things in the past or things in the future. If this happens, direct it back to the current task. For example, nothing else needs to be discussed until she ends the A. B/c there is no point. Nothing else will be resolved until she end the A. Stick to your guns!
Quote:
W called couple hours later and said that is it possible to think two weeks, and the reasoning was this: W said that I (me) am probably in shock due to her affair and maybe I will change my time bit later. I said that I have made my decision and do not need two weeks, but if she needs it, I go dark and we get back in 2 weeks.
She's wanting time to see if OM will work out, and if not.....she knows you are sitting on ready to reconcile. She is not thinking of your feelings of being in shock! No matter how much or how little time a WW is given to make up her mind.......she will wait till the midnight hour and tell her H she still doesn't know what she wants. Affairs are addictive, so she won't reach a place she doesn't want it, until she takes the steps to break the addiction. (FYI).
Your boundaries are not about what she wants. Currently, she "wants" the OM! Your boundary is about what you won't tolerate. That is your boundary......period. Her choice is either to honor your boundary or ignore it. If it is ignored, then you ____________ (fill in the blank). If a couple are living together and he states a boundary that he will not be in an open MR.......and she does not honor it, then he has to move things to the next level, which usually means physical separation. If the couple is already physically separated, the next step usually means cutting off all financial sources he gives her (except child support), and filing for a divorce. Going dark, only, rarely works on a woman who is actively engaged in a PA.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
