Rebuilding my life (ILYBNILWY? IDGAF 2)

[AnotherStander]

I know. I thought about that, and didn't want to engage with her.

2x4 time East, when I read your posts I do not see a calm, peaceful, pleasant East and a crazy wife. I see two people who are constantly pushing each other's buttons and always trying to escalate the smallest things into a fight. BOTH OF YOU are doing it. You are both acting like the cliche' divorced couple that's always fighting about stuff. You can change her behavior by changing YOUR behavior:

XW wakes up and texts me. Says there was a late start to surgery.

XW: And I'd like to point out that when we talked about me getting her on Tuesday the night before surgery you said it was OK that if she didn't end up going to school if that was the case and I'm sorry my surgery was behind.

Me: By the way, here's what we said (sends screenshots of conversation from two weeks ago)

Me: You had me show up at school knowing she wasn't going to be there. I got to panic. Because they said she WAS there. But didn't go to after school. And didn't get picked up from car riders. Sorry for the confusion, I was just very upset when I showed up to pick up D and she wasn't there and no one was answering their phones. I'm relieved to hear she's OK and I hope your surgery went well. Let me know if you need anything else from me.

Your very first line was an accusation: "You had me show up at school knowing she wasn't going to be there." The woman was getting surgery and it ran late due to circumstances beyond her control, her mind was probably all over the place. You make it sound like she intentionally did this to YOU, like it was some kind of attack, when in fact she probably just forgot. Can you imagine how differently the convo would have gone had you responded like the above correction? There might not have even been any more convo, that probably would have been the end of it. Sometimes swallowing your need to be "right" is the victory.

Yes, she knew in the morning (at least) that D wasnt going to be in school and should have let you know. And I absolutely can understand the terror you must have been feeling when you got to school and couldnt find her. Youre right that there is no excuse for not informing you. I will say that I am a little surprised this is the first time something like this has happened given the parenting 'plan' you two have.

At the same time, I feel like this argument is totally out of place for someone that literally just woke up from surgery. I imagine it wasnt on the top of her to-do list and with all that was going on, I imagine it got forgotten. It feels like you are both at an emotional 10 and while I think the overall goal should be working to IMPROVE communication, it always tends to melt down into just getting mad at each other. This feels like a time where you say "Im glad you and D are safe.
Im concerned about what the communication today - lets discuss it in a few days when youre back on your feet." The woman is in a hospital bed and all of your communication is telling her what shes doing wrong. How can that possibly be received any other way than how it was?

^^^This is all spot on^^^