First of all you need to choose me. I don’t share woman with anyone.
Getting, as the others suggested, in the future please post things like this before sending them to your W so we can help you tweak it. That said, I think you did a really great job on the letter. The line above isn't worded well, it would have been better to say something like "For me to consider reconciling, first you will have to firmly commit to working on our relationship and agree to not see anyone else during that time." But overall I think your list is reasonable and exactly what it needs to be for a potential recon.
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So, W just answered and she feels that phone transparency is controlling. She says she understands why I ask for it but it feels bad for her - she has always felt very negative against controlling, partly due to childhood issues (she still is controlling herself). I replied her that this is important boundary to me and why (pretty obvious since chatting with OM and who knows what). She added that shouldn’t the trust be build by will to trust and commitment and not controlling. I replied that definitely won’t be build over controlling but openness and phone transparency is a way to demonstrate that.
She has been unfaithful and trust is going to be a huge issue for you for quite some time. In order to rebuild that trust she's got to be willing to do things that may feel uncomfortable for her including this phone transparency.
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I myself am highly against controlling as well and frankly don’t like to snoop anyone’s phone, rather trust.
OK well "snooping" is looking at her phone without her knowledge and permission, and that is also "controlling". Looking at her phone WITH her knowledge and permission is neither snooping nor controlling.
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However I think she has lost her luxury to protected phone after lying that much. I have never in 15years asked her to show her phone before, but I’m quite certain that OM will connect even if we start piecing - or other way around. So having openness over phone would be important.
