Yes, she knew in the morning (at least) that D wasnt going to be in school and should have let you know. And I absolutely can understand the terror you must have been feeling when you got to school and couldnt find her. Youre right that there is no excuse for not informing you. I will say that I am a little surprised this is the first time something like this has happened given the parenting 'plan' you two have.
At the same time, I feel like this argument is totally out of place for someone that literally just woke up from surgery. I imagine it wasnt on the top of her to-do list and with all that was going on, I imagine it got forgotten. It feels like you are both at an emotional 10 and while I think the overall goal should be working to IMPROVE communication, it always tends to melt down into just getting mad at each other. This feels like a time where you say "Im glad you and D are safe. Im concerned about what the communication today - lets discuss it in a few days when youre back on your feet." The woman is in a hospital bed and all of your communication is telling her what shes doing wrong. How can that possibly be received any other way than how it was?
I know. I thought about that, and didn't want to engage with her. Not JUST for the reason, but also because "moral victories are not victories" is one of my key validations right now... and I blew past that. If I'd gotten a simple "I'm sorry" that would have been the end of it. Instead I got "you totally said I could do this" and BLAME. I'm TIRED of being BLAMED for everything!
I didn't get D until after 9:00 last night, with a 20 minute drive home. By the time she was asleep it was almost 10:00. She has an 8:30 bedtime. No homework done for the last two days and D is STRUGGLING in school right now! She wants to go to mommy's house, because that way she won't have to go to school and do homework (D's words) and those things are hard. She eats junk food and plays video games at mommy's house. I could barely get her out of bed for school this morning to the point where I was late for work.
I'm trying to get D ready for school, XW is calling on the phone (and my damn phone is on silent) I'm trying to get D to brush her teeth and in the car, and then I have her call her mom. After I drop her off, I check and I have a teary voicemail talking about how all she wants to do it talk to her daughter, thanks a lot easttn. Like I'm not going to get our daughter to call her mom in the damn hospital!
I'm so damn tired of this! TIRED! Why the hell can't she leave me the hell alone? Why the hell can't she do what she's supposed to do? Why the hell do I get to show up to get D and have D not be there and NOT GET TOLD ABOUT IT! A f---ing TEXT MESSAGE saying "Hey, D isn't going to go to school today." Is that too much to ask?
D was a chatterbox last night when I picked her up last night. Saying all kinds of weird things. The police were at mamaw's house on Tuesday because of her uncle and someone trying to steal a car. Her toys at mommy's house say bad words to her (except Mini Mouse, who is nice, but Mickey Mouse bites her) "The B word and the F word." I'm not worried that a seven year old thinks their toys talk to them. I'm worried as hell that they CURSE AT HER (apparently, the toys at daddy's house don't talk that way, they're very nice).
I've been oosting here almost a year. I've been in therapy almost a year. I don't feel like I'm getting better. I KNOW that's not true--I think it's like cold medicine, where you think it isn't doing any good, and then it wears off and you realize just how MUCH it was doing, but I feel so damn stuck like I'm not getting better. I feel beaten down. I feel harassed and afraid all the damn time. I only wish I could be AMOAFWL, because everyday I feel like a man any sane person should run away from.
Depositions are five weeks away. Won't have a real parenting plan until months after that most likely.
I would imagine if you did not engage her at all she would get bored easily if she wasn't getting the desired reaction.
As far as the poor parenting.... I would bring that up in the depositions. I also wonder if your poor D is using mickey in Minnie in place of adults. Kids often do that. How is it going getting counseling for her?
I know. I thought about that, and didn't want to engage with her.
2x4 time East, when I read your posts I do not see a calm, peaceful, pleasant East and a crazy wife. I see two people who are constantly pushing each other's buttons and always trying to escalate the smallest things into a fight. BOTH OF YOU are doing it. You are both acting like the cliche' divorced couple that's always fighting about stuff. You can change her behavior by changing YOUR behavior:
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XW wakes up and texts me. Says there was a late start to surgery.
XW: And I'd like to point out that when we talked about me getting her on Tuesday the night before surgery you said it was OK that if she didn't end up going to school if that was the case and I'm sorry my surgery was behind.
Me: By the way, here's what we said (sends screenshots of conversation from two weeks ago)
Me: You had me show up at school knowing she wasn't going to be there. I got to panic. Because they said she WAS there. But didn't go to after school. And didn't get picked up from car riders.Sorry for the confusion, I was just very upset when I showed up to pick up D and she wasn't there and no one was answering their phones. I'm relieved to hear she's OK and I hope your surgery went well. Let me know if you need anything else from me.
Your very first line was an accusation: "You had me show up at school knowing she wasn't going to be there." The woman was getting surgery and it ran late due to circumstances beyond her control, her mind was probably all over the place. You make it sound like she intentionally did this to YOU, like it was some kind of attack, when in fact she probably just forgot. Can you imagine how differently the convo would have gone had you responded like the above correction? There might not have even been any more convo, that probably would have been the end of it. Sometimes swallowing your need to be "right" is the victory.
Originally Posted By: Amoafwl
Yes, she knew in the morning (at least) that D wasnt going to be in school and should have let you know. And I absolutely can understand the terror you must have been feeling when you got to school and couldnt find her. Youre right that there is no excuse for not informing you. I will say that I am a little surprised this is the first time something like this has happened given the parenting 'plan' you two have.
At the same time, I feel like this argument is totally out of place for someone that literally just woke up from surgery. I imagine it wasnt on the top of her to-do list and with all that was going on, I imagine it got forgotten. It feels like you are both at an emotional 10 and while I think the overall goal should be working to IMPROVE communication, it always tends to melt down into just getting mad at each other. This feels like a time where you say "Im glad you and D are safe. Im concerned about what the communication today - lets discuss it in a few days when youre back on your feet." The woman is in a hospital bed and all of your communication is telling her what shes doing wrong. How can that possibly be received any other way than how it was?
You make it sound like she intentionally did this to YOU, like it was some kind of attack, when in fact she probably just forgot.
I deal with a lot of "just forgots" all of which end up being my fault and proof of what a total bastard I am. Sometimes when you have that history it's hard to account for circumstances.
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Sometimes swallowing your need to be "right" is the victory.
"Moral victories are not victories." I keep telling myself this. I keep telling OTHER people this. Sometimes it doesn't stick. Thanks for reminding me again, I genuinely appreciate the 2x4. Is an apology on my part in order?
I guess I'm coping ok from an emotional perspective. Life is a mess, otherwise.
D has been up and down at school all year. First, everything is fine, then she is failing, then she's doing great, then she's failing. Each time, I make corrections in what we're doing at home, get her some additional support at after school, etc, and we get back on track. Then:
We had parent teacher night a couple of weeks ago. The standard timeslot is 10 minutes with your kid's teacher. XW and I had 45 minutes with both first grade teachers (they tag team both classes, one is stronger in math, the other reading) and the school counselor (whom D has been seeing once a week or so all year). She's in danger of being retained in first grade. What?? Biggest issues are emotional maturity and focus at school. Last time I talked to D's teacher, which was a couple of weeks before that, D was a bit behind but was making progress, and I should keep doing what I was doing (so I did).
Counselor says ADHD is a possibility for the focus, suggests assessment. I make appointment with D's pediatrician, Counselor runs her assessment, pediatrician confirms ADHD-PI (basically ADHD without the H) so D will get more resources at school. We're saving medication until we see how well we can treat this otherwise.
Thursday (two weeks after parent teacher night) D's report card comes home and everything is fine (the very last "1" on her report card becomes a "2" and she's on grade level). I'm so confused.
On the XW front, I got cursed at in front of D again. XW also let me know in uncertain terms just how much she hates me and what a piece of trash I am. I do not respond in kind, but I do accuse her of being a big part of the reason D wasn't doing well in school (W has done homework with Z half a dozen times this year, and all the emotional stress D has due to her mom). Not my finest moment. Didn't say it in front of D at least. XW made it clear that she considers herself more of a parent than me, because "She came out of my vagina" and "you wouldn't even be her daddy if it weren't for me."
Supposed to have D for spring break this week. XW had her last weekend, and simply refused to return her on schedule, stating that "you had her last year" (fun, but irrelevant fact: I had her last year because XW was in Florida screwing OM). Ignores interim parenting plan, which says "day to day schedule shall apply" as being too vague and open to interpretation, says I will get D back on Wednesday afternoon, which, in her words, is "generous" of her. Wrote email to L last night, we'll see what comes of it.
D is seeing an IC and is excited about her visits and enjoying them.
XW has started showing up at Girl Scouts on Monday nights. She showed up at a cookie booth for half an hour when I had D last weekend (after not bringing her to a cookie booth the week before on her weekend). I'm uncomfortable but D is happy, so that's what counts.
Nothing else to report. Stress level at an all time high thirteen months after separation and six months since divorce final. Still down 100lbs since BD... though I haven't lost more since late October, I haven't gained any, either. D still doesn't want to talk to her mom when she's with me, but is happy to see her when she sees her. I don't hear from D when she's with her mother.
Sure your D is going to be proud of you when she is old enough to see where you are standing at this point. Just keep doing what is best for her no matter the obstacles on the way. Maybe it is a hard goal to achieve but try no te be engaged in futile discussions. You are a great father, keep working with your D.
Very sorry you're having some struggles! I'm not trying to downplay what you're going through, but my S has been having trouble in school this year. He's ADHD and it's always been a struggle getting him to keep up with homework and studying, but now he's in high school and the difficulty really ramped up. One day I was at work mulling over what to do about a class he was having trouble in and generally just having that same "life is a mess" feeling as you, and my coworker hung up the phone and told me a consultant who is a good friend of ours just found out his young son needs to have radical surgery performed. They are going to remove half his brain to try to stop his seizures. This has been going on over a year, he was having 20 plus seizures a day and they removed a tumor from his brain to try and stop them. It helped for a while but then they resumed. And now they are faced with this radical move which they are being told will drastically alter their son's personality and intelligence level. I tell you what, I went home and told my son I know he is struggling but I am proud of him for trying so hard and I gave him a big hug. Sometimes we need a perspective adjustment to realize maybe things aren't so bad after all.
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XW made it clear that she considers herself more of a parent than me, because "She came out of my vagina" and "you wouldn't even be her daddy if it weren't for me."
I'm sorry you're going through this East, but I have got to say that that is so completely absurd and off-the-rails that I couldn't help but laugh! Wow your ex is something else!
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Nothing else to report. Stress level at an all time high thirteen months after separation and six months since divorce final.
Maybe you just need some more time, it really took me a couple of years to get used to my "new normal". Congrats on keeping the weight off, that's awesome!
East, when I read your posts I do not see a calm, peaceful, pleasant East and a crazy wife. I see two people who are constantly pushing each other's buttons and always trying to escalate the smallest things into a fight. BOTH OF YOU are doing it. You are both acting like the cliche' divorced couple that's always fighting about stuff. You can change her behavior by changing YOUR behavior:
Thanks for reminding me again, I genuinely appreciate the 2x4. Is an apology on my part in order?