I know. I thought about that, and didn't want to engage with her. Not JUST for the reason, but also because "moral victories are not victories" is one of my key validations right now... and I blew past that. If I'd gotten a simple "I'm sorry" that would have been the end of it. Instead I got "you totally said I could do this" and BLAME. I'm TIRED of being BLAMED for everything!
I didn't get D until after 9:00 last night, with a 20 minute drive home. By the time she was asleep it was almost 10:00. She has an 8:30 bedtime. No homework done for the last two days and D is STRUGGLING in school right now! She wants to go to mommy's house, because that way she won't have to go to school and do homework (D's words) and those things are hard. She eats junk food and plays video games at mommy's house. I could barely get her out of bed for school this morning to the point where I was late for work.
I'm trying to get D ready for school, XW is calling on the phone (and my damn phone is on silent) I'm trying to get D to brush her teeth and in the car, and then I have her call her mom. After I drop her off, I check and I have a teary voicemail talking about how all she wants to do it talk to her daughter, thanks a lot easttn. Like I'm not going to get our daughter to call her mom in the damn hospital!
I'm so damn tired of this! TIRED! Why the hell can't she leave me the hell alone? Why the hell can't she do what she's supposed to do? Why the hell do I get to show up to get D and have D not be there and NOT GET TOLD ABOUT IT! A f---ing TEXT MESSAGE saying "Hey, D isn't going to go to school today." Is that too much to ask?
D was a chatterbox last night when I picked her up last night. Saying all kinds of weird things. The police were at mamaw's house on Tuesday because of her uncle and someone trying to steal a car. Her toys at mommy's house say bad words to her (except Mini Mouse, who is nice, but Mickey Mouse bites her) "The B word and the F word." I'm not worried that a seven year old thinks their toys talk to them. I'm worried as hell that they CURSE AT HER (apparently, the toys at daddy's house don't talk that way, they're very nice).
I've been oosting here almost a year. I've been in therapy almost a year. I don't feel like I'm getting better. I KNOW that's not true--I think it's like cold medicine, where you think it isn't doing any good, and then it wears off and you realize just how MUCH it was doing, but I feel so damn stuck like I'm not getting better. I feel beaten down. I feel harassed and afraid all the damn time. I only wish I could be AMOAFWL, because everyday I feel like a man any sane person should run away from.
Depositions are five weeks away. Won't have a real parenting plan until months after that most likely.
