I appreciate your advice on the accepting 14 days “test drive”!
I adjusted my message accordingly by writing below letter to my wife (word by word translation from our language).
Background is that W sent me these two messages yesterday night and this morning: 1. “Can you please send me your boundaries again in writing – I was so shock yesterday that I don´t remember all. Can you also describe what kind of relationship you want” (clearly this is to compare what OM has to offer) 2. “Could you really love me anymore after all this?”
I replied that I will send her an email answering to these questions. Below is my email – also word by word translation from our language:
”Wife:
You asked if I still could love you after all this.
My love towards you has not disappeared, but unfortunately now it feels like covered with dirt and it takes both of us to clean it. Imagine that love would be like a window that is dirty on both sides. I stand at the other side and you stand at the other side. If only one of us cleans their side, other side remains unclean. To clean our love we both need to work and do our parts and you can tell when the other person starts – she can be seen better. I have done soul searching and I am committed to start cleaning my side and the journey towards each other and forgiveness.
Below are the frames within which I can travel this road:
First of all you need to choose me. I don’t share woman with anyone. If you choose me, you would need to prove to be willing and active in finding your path to me. It means the following things in this order of priority: 1. Disconnect relationship completely with another man 2. Write him the statement with following content: "I want to find back my way to my H, and I will no longer contact you at all. I´m asking you to respect this decision by refrain to contact me either” Please share your statement with me before sending 3. Physically get away from this other man's life so that you do not accidentally collide with him in i.e. hobbies 4. You will be 100% transparent with your phone during the agreed length of time. This means that I´m able to check your phone when I want even if I would not use that right 5. MC continues as planned and we discuss your affair at the next session 6. Raw honesty both ways 7. You initiate conversations that helps us to find our ways to each-others hearts Following are optional which will be started when we both feel that way: 8. Date night 1/month 9. Weekly lunc/dinner/movie etc
(side note, this is where I amended 2 weeks rule): I have also thought that I will not wait for 2 two weeks before taking the next step in my life. If you want to invest in us, it needs to start now.
You also asked what kind of relationship I wanted.
I want a relationship where both spouses feel loved and accepted. Relationship with raw honesty. Playfulness. Safety. Encouragement. I want a relationship with a lot of intimacy, touch and satisfying sex. Adventures but also home evenings. Room to breathe, together and separately.
This is how I want to experience my relationship in the future. If you want to make this happen together with me, let me know me by the end of the week.
Husband”
Explanation on the time frame: I wanted on purpose give her few days to think this through and also maybe get the feeling that she will lose me if she continues with OM. She has the week with kids and OM is not in picture (at least alive – dunno which kind of pics they send via phone).
Also I´m having evening out with my buddy at Saturday so I want her to be at home with kids and maybe get an thought or two of what am I doing or talking with.
KML – a bit along the lines what you described (I have never been unfaithful though).
