I haven't posted to you before and have had to research your sitch a little and take some notes.

I am going to tackle this from a different angle, the reason is that my thoughts are that a lot of psychology on this doesn't make good sense in sitches where there has been cheating.

Regret v Remorse

It is often in 12 steps that we have to atone. To atone one needs remorse as humility and the desire to put right the wrong is important. Atoning needs to be in a way that fits the need of the one who was wronged.

Regret is not remorse. Regret never needs to atone.

You as the wronged person can't move on until you know there is true remorse and that has been atoned in a reasonable way. If there has been no atoning then it will keep nagging at you.

Atoning is not punishing and must be appropriate. That may mean say no girls night out at beaches for 2 years, but not forever!

You may wish to Google the difference between remorse and regret for yourself.

Forgiveness

To my philosophy there is no need to forgive someone at all. Some things are unforgiveable such as the abuse of a child or cheating with 9OW. I don't believe forgiveness is required but letting go of resentment is important. Letting the black bile go will certainly help you in your progress.

I leave forgiveness between the higher power and the other. Not my job at all, I am not a higher power and don't have that job. I ask for forgiveness for myself and can't be upset if another doesn't forgive me as long as my forgiveness is for myself. Forcing yourself to forgive will create guilt and shame in you if you find that impossible.

My philosophy is based on Jeanne Safer's work on forgiveness.


Trust and Love

Trust and love are separate states. You can trust someone and not love them and visa versa.

Trust can not be demanded nor given. It isn't wise to trust someone who isn't trustworthy. Trust isn't mandatory for love. You could for instance trust someone with money but not your heart. You could trust their timekeeping but not them to look after your car. It's not an all or nothing thing. It's fine to check in areas you are uncertain.

You can love and not trust. That is fine. Your trust is your business not the other, it's yours to manage.

Your trust is your business and it is not mandatory.

It's abusive to force someone to earn your trust! It's controlling and unnecessary. If you can trust when it's appropriate that's great but it isn't necessary.

The need to know

Some peeps need details as part of remorse, others are happy if atoning is adequate.

Some things need to be clear, you may not want or need all the details but enough to assess the risk and if what you know doesn't fit or seems untruthful then you will need more. It's inevitable your spider sense is tingling.

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I think you can't let go because W hasn't atoned to you and there appears insufficient remorse. In that case you will want to be clear on what you need in terms of remorse and atoning. Together with a time frame.

If things don't seem right, don't add up and you can't assess the risk then it will keep cropping up. You will keep questioning it.

Don't be told you should or you need to forgive and forget. That too is your concern and only yours.

Those are my thoughts.

V

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW