Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[rminer]

The first two paragraphs answered what I was looking for; although it wasn’t the answer I wanted. I was really hoping that you would say something like “Hey! Stupid! Show her more attention and this will all be over!” As I said, I was hoping.

I’ve been trying to remember any signs that she was disappointed that I stopped doing those things, but I can’t recall any. The only thing that tells me that I should have kept doing it is her bringing it up multiple times. From what you said, that would have been the wrong move, so I am sticking with what you say.

As I said, the only outward reaction is what D14 said – she was mad – and she could have been mad I stopped for any number of reasons I suppose. She never displayed this towards me, so I am taking D14’s word on it.

I am back and forth on which option to take. I don’t want to blow this thing up and drive her away permanently, but on the other hand, keeping this secret is wearing on me. I think about it way more than I should and I am tired of being suspicious of her every move. I haven’t snooped in a while because I was becoming obsessed with it and was killing me mentally. Mentally I am getting better but I still have a ways to go.

Right now it is probably best that I stick to the 37 Rules and make myself better. Would you agree?

To do this I will need to get better at GAL, I know. Outside of my kids I have no one to socialize with, so, after resisting many, many years, I’ve created a Facebook profile. The plan is to try to reconnect with old friends. My question to you on this is should I try to “friend” my W? She still has a picture of the two of us as her profile picture, I assume to keep up appearances. Would it be wise for me to do the same?

I see two sides to this. It could show her I am living without her just fine and make her notice more. It could also stir negative feelings because some of the people I would/could connect with she could be jealous of. There are some girls from the past I think she would feel this way about that I will most certainly come in to contact with because they were part of the circle of friends I used to have. One of them she is sure I had a romantic interlude with in college, which I didn’t. We were merely good friends.

With all of that being said, I have a new potential problem that has cropped up.

A few days ago I was digging through the recycling to find paper to start a fire and I ran across an envelope with her writing on it. On the envelope was a travel website address, the name of a resort, dates and prices. It appears that she is planning a vacation next month. D21 saw that she was tagged in a post from her enabling friend saying this was going to be fun, referring to somewhere warm. Her other friend who she thinks should get a D was also tagged, so D21 thinks it is just the three of them.

Thing is, we can’t afford this, so she is getting the money from somewhere else. Either she has been skimming off of the grocery money or the OM is footing the bill if he is going. Either one is possible.

I have been starting to question whether the A is really “just” an EA instead of a PA for several reasons. When I was snooping, I saw she was texting him the entire time when she would go out. Also, she doesn’t usually drive when she goes out – her enabling friend picks her up and brings her home. They always come back shortly after the bars close. This would take a lot of planning and effort on her part with the texts and a lot of cooperation from the enabling friend. I’m not sure she would go to these lengths because she doesn’t think I know about the A and she doesn’t know I can see her text logs. Besides that, she has been getting a little more carless lately.

The kids also tell me that she really doesn’t go out during the day unless it is to the store. She is gone the normal amounts of time, brings home the normal amounts of items or some of the kids are with her. He also works during the day. I’m not saying it isn’t a PA or wasn’t one at one time and she decided to stop that part. I’m just questioning if it is now.

With that information, what do you think I should do about the vacation? She has told no one about it, so should I confront her or just say nothing about it until she brings it up? My though is that me saying something early could drive things deeper underground, but potentially stop her from going. By not saying anything, she will surely be going. She will have to say something to me at some point about it and when she does I feel like telling her that since she can afford to take a vacation and go out to the bar every Saturday night while I am struggling to pay bills, she can start contributing financially because I will no longer be paying her student loans or credit cards.

My end goal is to preserve the M, so this is an opportunity to set a boundary and be Alpha, but I can almost guarantee that she will go no matter what is said.

When you said that she was going to make this hard, you were certainly not kidding.