WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[Coconut]

This is something I actually discussed in IC with the counselor, under the rubric of "things I should or should not bring up, and how I should bring them up when I do in a constructive manner" and IC asked me "well, you may need to ask yourself is knowing that information necessary to the rebuilding of your MR? Can you live without knowing it and, if you did know it, could you live happily with that if it was something you didn't want to hear?"

You recently asked if you are piecing. This is the type of thing you frequently see in piecing, and be prepared, it gets much harder once the high of "getting her back" starts to wear off.

My opinion is that it would be difficult to move forward questioning what actually happened, I mean that in the general sense, not by knowing every little detail, but how much you want to know is a personal thing. For me, I don't think I'd be able to truly fall in love and be vulnerable if I had lingering questions about things that may or may not have happened, or wondering if I was or wasn't lied to about answers that didn't sit right with me.

When I divorced, I found myself no longer caring about those things, but it was always on my mind when I thought about being with her again. Maybe in time that wondering goes away as you piece and grow closer, but I don't know for sure because I never got that far into it.

My opinion, if you are going to want to know, the earlier you find out and she opens up about it, the better. Having a discussion about any details and her being honest about things that are going to hurt you, is something that is hard on both sides and any progress in bonding can back slide quite a bit.. I think it's better to know what is going to be known before deciding to stay together, you know, informed decision.


As for the after work wine socializing.. I agree that it appears very inappropriate, but I also recognize that after coming here, we are over sensitized to these types of things compared to the rest of the world. I don't really think discussing this specific topic is helpful, I think it's better discussed in a more general topic of boundaries (as you mentioned several times).

At some point, specific "training" on boundaries needs to happen with your W (in counseling would probably be best). I think that if you are comfortable that she understands and has boundaries, that she knows how to recognize when boundaries are being crossed, and knows how to enforce those boundaries, you will be able to trust her in these types of situations. Like anything, thinking about how to respond in situations makes it easier to do so when needed, rather than trying to figure everything out when it happens.