Yesterday I found out my W had PA with a guy from the hobby she started 3 months ago. They apparently started to chat over FB at Dec and at Jan it went physical. They have been together even longer periods and done all “couple” things as movies and dates. Not to mention about sex, where they also used these toys (my W bought them) we never did together. I did not sleep at all last night, since every time I closed my eyes, I saw them together there doing nasty things. Devastating. If someone has good tips how to come over these visions, I´m glad to receive a hint...
When I confronted W, I was very calm - no shouting or anything. I explained that she has offended me in worst possible way and even if she probably wanted to save me from pain by not being honest, she caused me more pain doing things behind my back. I needed to say this, but I tried not to be weak, but demonstrate good leadership in expressing my opinion clearly. I also expressed that the special insult was that I have starved without sex (well, we had sex once in 2-8 weeks), and there comes a guy she knows for 2 months and is ready to be very pro-active and go so much further in creativity and passion than even once with me. This seems to be hardest for me in the A. You know - I felt SO much desire to say to my wife, that I WANT to do the same thing to you what OM did sexually right now, but I managed to keep this inside me. I know it was my ego talking...
Quote:
What are your boundaries?
I did some soul searching and said like this - You need to decide what you want and you have these options: 1. Choose me 2. Choose someone else If you choose someone else, go, I will not be a wingman, I will be a captain. If you choose me, I am committed to work our way towards forgiveness. But if you choose me, I have these boundaries: -You have to prove that you are committed to the R, and this means I will not contact you for any other matter than kids&finance. We can schedule time to talk us if initiative comes from you. I need to see that she WANTS to find the way for us to build something new. Further, we continue to live separate and I want you to do following things with OM: -Take the responsibility of A -Cut all connection with OM -Send a written statement to OM saying along the lines of: "I will not be in any contact with you anymore and I ask you to respect that as well being not in any contact with me" -Never go physically near OM, so quit hobby where OM attends and find another place -Also I said that she needs to be 100% transparent with her mobile phone
My W seemed to be remorseful, but you never (I see) know what she truly feels. I am personally satisfied with boundaries and am committed to work with them. Her concern was that will I ever be able to forgive her and does she need to spend rest of her life in hostile R if she chooses me. I said that I want to forgive her if I see her working towards the M.
I gave her couple of days to think what she wants.
So what was the response? W called couple hours later and said that is it possible to think two weeks, and the reasoning was this: W said that I (me) am probably in shock due to her affair and maybe I will change my time bit later. I said that I have made my decision and do not need two weeks, but if she needs it, I go dark and we get back in 2 weeks. You know, I´m 99% certain, that the 2 weeks were not about me, they were about the OM. I´m quite sure she wants to buy more time to spend time with him, and find out if they could have something together... She probably is so thrilled about A, that she wants to keep me as an option if it does not work out with OM. Then she can also hope, that I would change my mind and she wouldn´t need to deliver the bad news of their future plans... I might be pessimistic, but I´m not surprised anymore when it comes to WW (I would not have thought it this way just few day ago).
But if this is the case, then be it. I know I will be happy again (even I´m VERY low and fragile now, feeling SOOOO much pain)and I will be loved again and hopefully able to love back. This will leave scars, but what I now do is focus to DETACHING. Hopefully I get those disturbing visions of my W & OM having sex with their fu¤%&ing toys. Really, please give advise on this if you have any!
Even if I´m very pessimistic that W would choose me in 2 weeks, I am ready to try if she is. I am so much better man now that if it works, it might be better what we even thought. Otherwise I continue with my life without her and hope she will be happy (actually ATM I hope that the potential relationship with OM is burning her). sorry...
My priority now is my beautiful and pure hearted kids who need all the love and feel of security they can get.
). sorry...
