Meg, your story sounds so similar to mine. My H started pulling back this summer when an OW came into the picture at work. No PA that I was aware of, but definitely EA. Suddenly I was the source of all his anger and problems. I definitely believe it is a MLC as one minute he's talking about buying a motorcycle and moving out, the next he's talking about having kids (but with who if I cause all his problems?!?!)
I unfortunately found out how much effort and time he had invested in this OW instead of me. He had gotten an increase at work, and had been secretly taking the money for 3 months while we were in counseling working on our relationship.
In counseling he would be responsive and agree, try for one day, and then feel like he didn't have to try. The counselor actually called him out for his inability to decide what he wants and how he is clearly disregarding what I am asking him and telling him I need. She said he needs to figure out his out situation first before he can commit to us again. I found out he was saving up for an apartment. I begged.. And cried and cried. But he turned even more bitter and cold and said some horrible things to me. I asked him to leave his job for me, to choose me over whatever was happening with this girl at work (he still says nothing was/is happening, but clearly it isn't a professional relationship).. And he told me work was more important to him. This completely broke me, and it was at this point in the beginning of January that I started DB.
I called his bluff on the moving out bit. Even helped him find a temporary place. I limited contact, refused to reach out, did my own thing, started working on my own mental health. I had developed anxiety and panic attacks during our issues between Sept-Dec. I said I would try to be there for him if he really needed me, but that I couldn't be his buddy.
It didn't take long for him to realize how lonely he was. By the end of the first week he was actually pretty depressed and was admitting that i wasn't the cause of his problems and stress. I held my ground, and he went to individual counseling and actually was prescribed AD.. He didn't want to take them at first, but he found his negative feelings were too strong. He kept asking me to come home, but I kept reminding him this is what he wanted.
After 5 weeks he returned home and promised to be a different man. That lasted 3 days. Once he was feeling better on the AD, work was better, and he was comfortable at home again, low and behold I see him out for lunch with the OW and another coworker. He never once asked me out to lunch or tried to make plans with me. He denied it being an issue, said it was just lunch (the day after Valentine's Day) with his team... When half the team wasn't there. The next week I find a conversation between the 2 of them. You can tell she's trying hard to get a reaction out of him. Trying to joke around, asking for him to call her, and being extra friendly. For the most part he didn't reciprocate, but he never told her to stop.
This threw me for a loop. My anxiety and panic attacks have returned, as has the crying. I was doing so well when he was not in the house, but his return has us right back to the beginning. He started saying I was overreacting, crazy, causing him stress. He's been rude and mean all over again. Like he forgets all of January and what it's like to be alone. Twice in the last 2 weeks he's made a comment about ending our relationship.
So after joining the forum yesterday and reading through posts, I've started detaching again, but I know it will be harder living in the same house. This weekend I told him I needed space and booked a quick trip to Florida. He asked if I wanted him to come too, and I said no. Already he's been nicer and trying to be friendly with me.
Stay strong through the move out, this will definitely help. Just make sure he's away long enough to really understand what he's missing.
