I've been reading for a long time but this is my first post. My husband's MLC started I believe around mid-2013 with the usual things - distance, getting more critical, etc. BD was in March of 2015. He was in a long distance EA at the time with a woman he knew in high school, but I didn't know it.

He moved out in July 2015 to live with his mother. I found out about the affair exactly a year after BD. It had become a PA in November 2015. I found out in March 2016 and in June 2016 he moved 20 hours away to live with her. She also divorced her H for my H.

For the 3 months after BD that he still lived with me, he barely talked to me, had frequent mood swings, was drunk a lot and was a complete stranger.

Right after he moved out, he refused to speak to me for several weeks. Then he started to stop by once a month. Each time, he was distant and like a stranger but every single time he came over, his eyes filled with tears.

He did the usual at first, not changing his address, left most of his things behind. After his EA became a PA, he pushed for a divorce but when I got a lawyer he seemed stunned. He stalled on getting me his financial form for 7 months and then when I got it, it was filled out wrong. After he moved away he made excuses for months and never moved anything forward.

During the time after he moved to be with OW, he tried to send me texts and emails as if we were "buddies" but I stopped replying to them and only contacted him regarding legal issues. I was polite and kind but I did not act like his buddy.

In November 2016, I moved to another state. This seemed to cause a tantrum in him. He stopped communicating with me for the most part. I would contact him to try to move things forward with the separation agreement so that he would start paying me the agreed upon monthly amount, and he would only respond every so often. Usually I got no response.

This went on for months. One day in March 2017, I simply sent him a text that said, "how are you?" He replied and asked if I meant to send that to him. I said yes and this seemed to relax him a bit and he even sent me an unsolicited text a week later with a picture of our dog.

Even though he seemed to be more open to communicating, I really thought all hope was lost since he moved so far away, got a new job there that he loves and seemed to be settled into living with OW. In May I contacted him about filing for D. He replied and avoided the subject and instead told me a story about a young girl in his new city who had cancer and overcame it. He called her "really something else" like he really admired her.

Unfortunately, just as I was about to file for D in my new state in late spring 2017, I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. Since H was not honoring our financial agreement, I had no health insurance in my new state and had to move back home to my old state and live with a relative.

H found out about my diagnosis through the grapevine and sent me a text. He sounded like he was talking to someone he barely knew. He told me he would ask his coworkers to pray for me.

I replied to him and asked him to please start making the monthly payments as I was going to be in treatment for a long time. He replied that he wouldn't make the payments until he had something "signed and ready to file." Well, I had already spent every penny I had on lawyers in the state I had moved to. I was now broke and starting treatment for cancer. I have barely worked since my diagnosis and can't afford to spend any more money on lawyers while H makes excuses, stalls and puts up roadblocks.

I heard from him one more time about a month after my diagnosis. He texted me on my birthday to say happy birthday from the dog. I haven't heard from his since and it's been seven months. I recently found out that he got a new phone for work and changed his phone number. He stopped using the only email address I have for him. (He didn't respond to my last few emails and the last time I emailed him was in late summer 2017.) I now have no way to contact him.

I am so confused. He loves his new job and is totally immersed in his new life in his new city. He works for the city so his life is completely tied there now. I don't see him ever looking back towards me.

Yet even while he's building this entirely new life that he seems to love, he's doing things that don't make sense, like accruing debt and not paying any of his bills (I have gotten calls from debt collectors looking for him) and not getting divorced.

He was starting to communicate in a more friendly manner and then as soon as I got diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, he completely disappeared and now has cut off communication without any warning.

We are still married, no D has even been filed and by changing his contact info so I can't reach him, he's made it much harder to get a D.

It's like instead of divorcing me, he's just erased me. I don't understand. He clearly intends to stay where he is and is building a successful career. He hated his job before and now he has a job he loves. OW is obviously a woman who doesn't care about breaking up two marriages, but she seems as though she may be in MLC herself.

She's not one of those crazy personally disordered OW, and H seems like he's still very infatuated with her, even though it's been over 3 years since their EA started and over 2 years since it became a PA. They've lived together now for almost a year and a half.

I hate having this hanging over my head, knowing that I WILL overcome this disease and get better, but when I do, I will still have to deal with this crazy situation where I'm married to a ghost and have even tried to move things forward for the divorce he wanted but I didn't want, and he has made it nearly impossible.

Why doesn't he care at all that I'm battling this horrible illness? It's like I could die tomorrow and he wouldn't flinch. Why is he cutting off contact now, when before he was at least willing to communicate? Why was he willing to discuss legal issues until I got sick and now he's completely vanished?

Last edited by job; 02/27/18 04:31 AM. Reason: added space between paragraph