Had a decent week with WAW but so far she still seems hesitant do do anything IRT working on things.
And she won't be interested in working on things for a long, long time. There are a lot of deep-seated issues that brought you to this point and it is completely understandable that she has lost all trust. What took this long to tear apart is not going to be rebuilt overnight. 180's plus time = change she can believe in. You've got to do 180's on your issues, and you have got to stick to those 180's for months or even years before she will believe it's real.
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I left her alone for a day because I wasn't in the mood to talk after feeling lied to.
Is that not "more of the same" behavior? Add "No More Mister Nice Guy" to your reading list, it's not what the title sounds like. It deals with the "nice guy" syndrome and the passive/aggressive behavior you're engaging in (like a lot of us did).
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I was hurt and didn't have much nice to say so I opted to say nothing at all. Then on Monday (next day) out of the blue she asked if I wanted to spend some time with the kids together. We had a good time, things seemed better. Later that evening I took the kids to their counseling appointment, and had the opportunity to read to them before bed. Tuesday went well, she even joked with me when I dropped the kids off. It's nice for those times when she lets her guard down and jokes with me. Wednesday evening I got a surprise visit from them on their way home from girl scouts.
Friday night I took the kids to W's school where she was volunteering for an evening activity. We hung out for an hour or so and she thanked me later for brining the kids. Saturday when she came to pick them up she came in and hung out for a bit.
All of that is fine but don't put any hope in it, she's likely just prepping you for "life after D". I'm not saying not to have any hope at all, I'm just saying that this kind of stuff is pretty typical and does not mean she's changed her mind yet.
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Today I finally decided to bring up the subject of next Saturday. I had gotten tickets for a Gary Chapman seminar that was happening at a local church. I very simply asked if she wanted to join me and she declined.
Don't say anything to her about it again, and you should go anyway.
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I'm being patient, and I'll wait forever if I have to, but my concern is around me and my past. Despite the huge personal changes I've made, she seems unwilling to talk about anything.
How long has it been since BD? If less than a year then no, you're not being patient! You've got to stop the pressure and give her time and space while you work on yourself. Settle in for the long haul.
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My question becomes that the verbal abuse part is a wild card not addressed in either book. And for some people they equate this with being as bad as physical abuse which means no return under any circumstances. While I admit I acted controlling and had said mean things at times, but I definitely didn't do it out of spite or hate. I'm not sure how to overcome this. I hurt her and feel horrible for that.
You should apologize to her (specifically) for that, but don't apologize over and over. One heartfelt apology and a pledge to do better no matter what the outcome of your M. Thank her for sharing it with you.
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and focus rather on rebuilding trust-- asking what I did last year that eroded her trust for good and asking what I can do specifically to help get her to trust me again.
Unfortunately the time for that has passed. She's two feet out the door now and more than likely will not want to talk about it. Your focus should not be to "help her trust you again", it should be to fix the things you need to fix for you, your kids, and your future whether W is in it or not. After lots of time she may look at that new person and decide she wants a relationship with him.
